So my family isn't rich. In fact, I'd say altogether, we're barely scraping middle class. However, my dad manages to keep a good amount of money in savings, and he's willing to throw it at problems, especially since I don't think anyone in my family ever learned how to properly express affection to other people (but that's a blog pot for another time).
My dad is offering me a chance to move back with either him or Mom, live rent free, get a job down there, and maybe go back to the local community college. He'll pay for my rent on both of these places, so I actually have a chance to save up money and pay off my credit cards (which are all currently maxed out). Alternatively, if I find a full time job that I'd truly be interesting in and doesn't pay shit, he'll pay my current rent here and help me get set up wherever I have to move. And if I manage to find a full time job here, he'll still probably throw some money at me, since I told him I had to close my savings account and am taking out checking account advances every month (which one of my best friends says the bank will stop me from doing before too long).
So now starts the mass applying to jobs. I would really rather not move back home; it's tiny and full of super conservatives. Not to mention it would feel like a huge step back, but if that's where I find a good job, that's where I find a good job. I'd be stupid to not swallow my pride and accept the offer. I really don't want to stay here either, though. Since dropping out, I feel like this place has nothing left for me, and I just need to escape to a bigger area. I'm mostly wanting to go to a nearby city, and one day I'd like to run off to Seattle (but Christ that day is not this day; no way I'd have the money for it!).
One of the issues about staying here is figuring out where I'm going to live one this lease is up at the end of July. Carrie will be moving in with the friend she's spending a shit ton of time with. I don't really care, because I don't really like living with other people, and we knew I'd want to live alone again once this lease was up. However, now my option is to renew my lease at my old place or try to find a new place and put a deposit down on that. I really like my old place, but that lease begins a month and a half before this lease ends, so that's just more time I'd have to pay double rent, which will suck even more if I don't find a subleaser for it in the meantime (which I don't see happening).
And the issue about not finding a subleaser and renewing my lease is, why would I stay in this apartment? Why wouldn't I just go ahead and move back, and just give Carrie money every month for the rent?
The sucky thing is, I feel like no matter what happens, my relationship with Carrie is irreparable. I'll never be able to forget about her dropping the ball in my time of need, especially since I feel like I've bent over backward to help her out in her time of need. It's hard to bounce back from that.
Oh, and on top of all of this, my cushy military health insurance was taken away from me because I aged out, so now I have to get civilian health insurance, which is scary as shit. I finally signed up for it, but it doesn't start until March, so I have to wait until March before I can go back and see a therapist and get started back on anti-depressants.
And I've been single for a year and a half, the most recent dates I had went really well, but the dude just stopped texting me. And I'm still fucking in love with my ex. And I think my work-crush would rather get with Carrie than me, based on a few conversations.
So yeah, basically a million reasons why most people would feel shitty right about now, with my depression piled on top of it. Which is how we come around full circle to "this is the closest I've been to self-harm in four years." haha I've yet to find a suitable destructive outlet for the urge yet, so I suppose bitching on the Internet will have to do.
I guess I just really wish I hadn't gotten so used to relying on Carrie, so it wouldn't hurt so much when she failed to be here for me.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Basically Don't Expect Regular Updates (2)
So shit just went down and now my in-town best friend has to find a place to stay.
My place is a no go. She has a dog she absolutely will not ever ever part with, and despite begging my landlady, dogs are an extreme NO.
So I guess I did what any best friend would do (or what I thought any best friend would do), I offered to sublease my place and move into a dog and cat friendly place with her. When such place with all of our other requirements basically fell into our laps within a week, and let us move into the place a week after that, how could we say no? Unfortunately, my friend was going through some awful financial shit since she just dumped most of her savings on a 5 year anniversary Hawaiian vacation that she expected to end with a proposal on a volcano (because she told him that if they weren't engaged by five years, they'd have to have a serious talk about their relationship and she told him a volcano proposal would be the most awesome thing ever). So I dumped most of my money (savings and all) into the new apartment. This was just before Christmas.
So here's something that's about to become extremely relevant: Before shit started going downhill for her, we were basically inseparable. Sure, she had other friends that she hung out with, but we were going out and doing things or just hanging out at her place 3 or 4 times a week, and it'd been like that since at least April. I didn't really have anyone to hang out with prior to that (I absolutely suck at making friends), and I only hung out with someone else maybe once a month, so I just got really used to regularly hanging out with my friend (let's call her Carrie, because I am getting tired of typing my friend haha) regularly and only her. Which was a mistake.
Around the time shit started to go down with Carrie, I started to get really depressed again. I don't know if it was because of what was happening, or just a coincidence, but either way, that's how it was. So when Carrie stopped hanging out with me quite so much in December, it hurt, yeah, but I really tried to understand that she needed space to sort things out. And then she just needed other people to sort things out with, because other people have different perspectives, and other people like to go to bars and clubs and be around tons of other people, which I don't like at all. I'm more of a one on one person. And she needed to go on dates, because she hadn't dated anyone new for five years, and before then she hadn't had many dates. So it's cool. Healing process and all that.
But it hasn't ended, it hasn't changed.
Again, we used to hang out one on one three or four times a week, and now we've hung out one on one three or four times in over a month, maybe. We live together now, and I hardly ever see her outside of work. She's always off at another friend's, or out with other friends, or on a date, or has a date over, or just needs some time to herself.
Meanwhile, I'm only getting more depressed and lonely.
I finally talk to her about it, and she said she knew I was depressed, she just thought that I needed my space. I told her most definitely not, I was really lonely and really wanted to hang out with her more. She said she's just used to giving people space or needing to be specifically told someone who is upset needs company. I said I'll try, but I'm telling her now that I'm really lonely and could really use the company. She said she's just used to it not being like that. (This is summing up a half hour long conversation, so it's not quite so simplistic, but I did outright say I wanted her specifically to hang out with me more because I was really lonely).
A week or so later, nothing's changed, so I bring it up again, and basically the same conversation takes place, with a bit more detail on either side.
She's hung out with me one or two times since then, but my depression's only gotten worse, and she was out of the apartment every single day this week. Every day. And around Wednesday she tells me she'll be gone for the whole weekend. At first I was depressed about that, but then I just got fed up. Fucking fine. I'd be alone. I'd revel in being alone. I'd love having the entire place to myself the whole weekend. A friend and I make a long-distance movie date for Saturday, and I'm almost excited to be home alone, because I figure I need to get used to being alone again anyway.
And of course I'm not actually home alone most of the weekend. She's only gone for a few hours Saturday, and when she gets back, she has her current date with her, and they stay up late talking, so I have to take sleeping pills and turn my white noise up really loud in order to sleep. Today she's home almost all day, cleaning and trying to make small talk with me, but I'm stupid and bitter, and will barely acknowledge it. She leaves to go to a Super Bowl party (which I was also invited to, but I didn't feel like being around Carrie, much less Carrie and her new date), and I enjoy the time alone (minus the occasional bursting into tears for being so bitter and awful), and then she comes back with her new date, and they are still up talking when we both have work at 7 in the morning.
And that's just the shortened version of the Carrie-specific side of things.
On the other side, we have my still not having a subleaser for my old place.
And my manager cutting my hours.
So let's do the math, in a really good month, I might make $1000 after taxes. In a bad month, which will start happening now that the holidays are over, I can make as little as $700 after taxes. My bills include two apartments (about $900 total), utilities at one apartment ($100 total), cell phone (about $90), credit cards (between $75 and $150 total), and gas for my car ($30-$60). This is not including food for myself, food and litter for my cat, and random household necessities. Not sure if you noticed, but rent almost took up my entire good month paycheck and was more than my bad month paycheck.
So obviously things aren't going well in that area.
Luckily, I'm getting a pretty good tax refund, which should cover my old apartment's rent until that lease ends.
Unfortunately, I just got a letter in the mail saying I owe my school $3300 back in student loans since I didn't complete a certain percentage of my courses last semester.
Man, this is long, too, and I still have a bit to talk about. Post number three coming up.
My place is a no go. She has a dog she absolutely will not ever ever part with, and despite begging my landlady, dogs are an extreme NO.
So I guess I did what any best friend would do (or what I thought any best friend would do), I offered to sublease my place and move into a dog and cat friendly place with her. When such place with all of our other requirements basically fell into our laps within a week, and let us move into the place a week after that, how could we say no? Unfortunately, my friend was going through some awful financial shit since she just dumped most of her savings on a 5 year anniversary Hawaiian vacation that she expected to end with a proposal on a volcano (because she told him that if they weren't engaged by five years, they'd have to have a serious talk about their relationship and she told him a volcano proposal would be the most awesome thing ever). So I dumped most of my money (savings and all) into the new apartment. This was just before Christmas.
So here's something that's about to become extremely relevant: Before shit started going downhill for her, we were basically inseparable. Sure, she had other friends that she hung out with, but we were going out and doing things or just hanging out at her place 3 or 4 times a week, and it'd been like that since at least April. I didn't really have anyone to hang out with prior to that (I absolutely suck at making friends), and I only hung out with someone else maybe once a month, so I just got really used to regularly hanging out with my friend (let's call her Carrie, because I am getting tired of typing my friend haha) regularly and only her. Which was a mistake.
Around the time shit started to go down with Carrie, I started to get really depressed again. I don't know if it was because of what was happening, or just a coincidence, but either way, that's how it was. So when Carrie stopped hanging out with me quite so much in December, it hurt, yeah, but I really tried to understand that she needed space to sort things out. And then she just needed other people to sort things out with, because other people have different perspectives, and other people like to go to bars and clubs and be around tons of other people, which I don't like at all. I'm more of a one on one person. And she needed to go on dates, because she hadn't dated anyone new for five years, and before then she hadn't had many dates. So it's cool. Healing process and all that.
But it hasn't ended, it hasn't changed.
Again, we used to hang out one on one three or four times a week, and now we've hung out one on one three or four times in over a month, maybe. We live together now, and I hardly ever see her outside of work. She's always off at another friend's, or out with other friends, or on a date, or has a date over, or just needs some time to herself.
Meanwhile, I'm only getting more depressed and lonely.
I finally talk to her about it, and she said she knew I was depressed, she just thought that I needed my space. I told her most definitely not, I was really lonely and really wanted to hang out with her more. She said she's just used to giving people space or needing to be specifically told someone who is upset needs company. I said I'll try, but I'm telling her now that I'm really lonely and could really use the company. She said she's just used to it not being like that. (This is summing up a half hour long conversation, so it's not quite so simplistic, but I did outright say I wanted her specifically to hang out with me more because I was really lonely).
A week or so later, nothing's changed, so I bring it up again, and basically the same conversation takes place, with a bit more detail on either side.
She's hung out with me one or two times since then, but my depression's only gotten worse, and she was out of the apartment every single day this week. Every day. And around Wednesday she tells me she'll be gone for the whole weekend. At first I was depressed about that, but then I just got fed up. Fucking fine. I'd be alone. I'd revel in being alone. I'd love having the entire place to myself the whole weekend. A friend and I make a long-distance movie date for Saturday, and I'm almost excited to be home alone, because I figure I need to get used to being alone again anyway.
And of course I'm not actually home alone most of the weekend. She's only gone for a few hours Saturday, and when she gets back, she has her current date with her, and they stay up late talking, so I have to take sleeping pills and turn my white noise up really loud in order to sleep. Today she's home almost all day, cleaning and trying to make small talk with me, but I'm stupid and bitter, and will barely acknowledge it. She leaves to go to a Super Bowl party (which I was also invited to, but I didn't feel like being around Carrie, much less Carrie and her new date), and I enjoy the time alone (minus the occasional bursting into tears for being so bitter and awful), and then she comes back with her new date, and they are still up talking when we both have work at 7 in the morning.
And that's just the shortened version of the Carrie-specific side of things.
On the other side, we have my still not having a subleaser for my old place.
And my manager cutting my hours.
So let's do the math, in a really good month, I might make $1000 after taxes. In a bad month, which will start happening now that the holidays are over, I can make as little as $700 after taxes. My bills include two apartments (about $900 total), utilities at one apartment ($100 total), cell phone (about $90), credit cards (between $75 and $150 total), and gas for my car ($30-$60). This is not including food for myself, food and litter for my cat, and random household necessities. Not sure if you noticed, but rent almost took up my entire good month paycheck and was more than my bad month paycheck.
So obviously things aren't going well in that area.
Luckily, I'm getting a pretty good tax refund, which should cover my old apartment's rent until that lease ends.
Unfortunately, I just got a letter in the mail saying I owe my school $3300 back in student loans since I didn't complete a certain percentage of my courses last semester.
Man, this is long, too, and I still have a bit to talk about. Post number three coming up.
Basically Don't Expect Regular Updates
I think this is mostly a place to talk when I don't feel like I can talk to anyone around me, and it's pretty much the only site I have that's under a username I almost never use, isn't linked to any of my other social sites, and I've told no one about.
I feel like cutting again. I won't. I can't afford to. I know it's fucking hard to stop once I've started, and I just can't go back down that road. But this is the first time in four years that I've really felt I was on the edge of doing so. I can't tell my friends, because they'd just worry too much, and there's no real way to get someone to believe you won't hurt yourself, especially when you've had such a serious past with it.
I just have so much shit going down right now.
In late September, I got pretty hard hit with depression. I've had depressive episodes off and on for about ten years, but they haven't been too bad or gone on for too long in three or four years. But this time it was awful and it lasted until late October. I dropped out of college. I just stopped attending classes, my grades were going to shit, and I both didn't care and cared too much. I almost quit my job, which I actually really enjoy.
In mid October, I finally decided to try to get help. I called up my school's psychiatric clinic and found out it would be three weeks before I could be seen. I couldn't do that. I couldn't. I couldn't wait so fucking long. Luckily, one of my best friends is super awesome and called another clinic at the university run hospital, and found out I could be seen basically immediately if I went to the emergency room, which would send me over to their in-house psychiatric care.
I got the meds I wanted, but not until after what felt like an extremely dehumanizing process.
When I first went to the emergency room, I had to explain to the receptionist what was going on. Then I had to explain to a nurse, who gave me a bracelet, then peed in a cup and went back to the waiting room. Then I had to explain to another nurse, who asked "what happened to make me so depressed" and didn't seem to understand that there was no one incident, and just because I wasn't suicidal didn't mean I didn't need help. Then I had to explain to a doctor who seemed to give as many shits as the nurse did (though the nurse did come back and tell me where water was if I needed any, which was nice). Then I got to sit in the room the nurse and the doctor saw me in for another half hour before being escorted to the psychiatric wing, which is where I really lost my personhood.
The med student (I'm pretty sure she was one, though I'm not 100% sure), stood in the hallway with me, because the person she was told to take me to was in some sort of meeting, or was somehow occupied, but was going to be right out. We waited for not even a minute when another woman came out and asked the med student what I was doing in the hallway. She then took all my things from me, not letting me text my best friend that I had to give up my phone so he wouldn't worry. I overheard her talking to one of her coworkers about how I was just wandering around the hallway, as though I had just happened by there on my own and had been there for a while. She then got a security guard to scan me with a metal detector. It beeped around my chest, but I wasn't really paying attention since I was too busy trying to not continuously sob. The security guard asked me if I had wires in my bra. I asked what and he repeated himself. I couldn't put together the context of why he would ask, and I really had no idea what sort of bra I was wearing so I said, "I.. Maybe? I think so. I don't know." He laughed and said he hoped I did or I probably did or something, which was maybe his attempt to find humor in the situation, but everything that was happening to me was making me more uncomfortable and on edge. I then had to be weighed and had my bracelet scanned. It felt like that bracelet was my new identity, not my name. Did anyone even ask for my name, after the receptionist?
A nurse came in with a laptop, and I had to explain everything to her, which she entered into the computer. Then a med student came in with a clipboard, and I had to give her the exact same information I just gave the nurse. Then the med student brought in a doctor, who I had to half explain the situation to and ask some further questions. This whole time, I was crying off and on, especially after my stuff was taken from me. I was spoken to as a child was spoken to, which I suppose was supposed to calm me down, but just made me feel less human. Finally, after some deliberation, I was given a prescription for anti-depressants, and was allowed to leave. My things were retrieved from a locker, and I felt like my identity was given back to me.
Another of my best friends picked me up and took me to a late night pharmacy to get my prescription. It was a small step, but it was a good step in the right direction.
By the time I went to my appointment three weeks later, I knew I was going to drop out. I didn't tell the psychiatrist, I just got a prescription for a refill and a higher dose and left.
I tried to push myself to officially withdraw, but the only way I could see to do it was to talk to each of my teachers individually and have them sign a paper saying I get a W or an F. How could I do that? How could I look each of my professors in the eye and say "I can't do it. I'm dropping out. I can't tell you why, but I just can't do it anymore." I couldn't and I didn't. I just ignored that part of my life, and was less depressed for November, probably because preparing for Black Friday in my retail job had me quite distracted from anything else.
I started feeling worse early December, though, and this is really where shit really starts to go downhill.
One of my best friends, the one who picked me up from the hospital, was going on a break from her 5 year relationship. I hoped she'd just dump the guy. He seemed like a bit of an asshole, but I never saw enough to feel comfortable voicing my opinion to her. She faked happy well enough that I didn't think it was any of my business. But after getting into an emotionally intense relationship with another man, she realized she needed to reevaluate her relationship with her current partner and was up front with him about the reasons why (which wasn't just that guy, but their various incompatibilities which would have either broken them up eventually or made them super unhappy anyway). He responds by saying he can no longer trust her to not fuck other dudes (thus taking any blame off of him) and breaks up with her.
Needless to say, there's a lot of drama going down because of this. I won't get into all the details, but there's a lot of literal and figurative shit to unpack and figure out from a five year relationship. One of the bigger ones being: Where is my friend going to live?
And really this is long enough as it is, so I'm going to break this off here and start a second post.
I feel like cutting again. I won't. I can't afford to. I know it's fucking hard to stop once I've started, and I just can't go back down that road. But this is the first time in four years that I've really felt I was on the edge of doing so. I can't tell my friends, because they'd just worry too much, and there's no real way to get someone to believe you won't hurt yourself, especially when you've had such a serious past with it.
I just have so much shit going down right now.
In late September, I got pretty hard hit with depression. I've had depressive episodes off and on for about ten years, but they haven't been too bad or gone on for too long in three or four years. But this time it was awful and it lasted until late October. I dropped out of college. I just stopped attending classes, my grades were going to shit, and I both didn't care and cared too much. I almost quit my job, which I actually really enjoy.
In mid October, I finally decided to try to get help. I called up my school's psychiatric clinic and found out it would be three weeks before I could be seen. I couldn't do that. I couldn't. I couldn't wait so fucking long. Luckily, one of my best friends is super awesome and called another clinic at the university run hospital, and found out I could be seen basically immediately if I went to the emergency room, which would send me over to their in-house psychiatric care.
I got the meds I wanted, but not until after what felt like an extremely dehumanizing process.
When I first went to the emergency room, I had to explain to the receptionist what was going on. Then I had to explain to a nurse, who gave me a bracelet, then peed in a cup and went back to the waiting room. Then I had to explain to another nurse, who asked "what happened to make me so depressed" and didn't seem to understand that there was no one incident, and just because I wasn't suicidal didn't mean I didn't need help. Then I had to explain to a doctor who seemed to give as many shits as the nurse did (though the nurse did come back and tell me where water was if I needed any, which was nice). Then I got to sit in the room the nurse and the doctor saw me in for another half hour before being escorted to the psychiatric wing, which is where I really lost my personhood.
The med student (I'm pretty sure she was one, though I'm not 100% sure), stood in the hallway with me, because the person she was told to take me to was in some sort of meeting, or was somehow occupied, but was going to be right out. We waited for not even a minute when another woman came out and asked the med student what I was doing in the hallway. She then took all my things from me, not letting me text my best friend that I had to give up my phone so he wouldn't worry. I overheard her talking to one of her coworkers about how I was just wandering around the hallway, as though I had just happened by there on my own and had been there for a while. She then got a security guard to scan me with a metal detector. It beeped around my chest, but I wasn't really paying attention since I was too busy trying to not continuously sob. The security guard asked me if I had wires in my bra. I asked what and he repeated himself. I couldn't put together the context of why he would ask, and I really had no idea what sort of bra I was wearing so I said, "I.. Maybe? I think so. I don't know." He laughed and said he hoped I did or I probably did or something, which was maybe his attempt to find humor in the situation, but everything that was happening to me was making me more uncomfortable and on edge. I then had to be weighed and had my bracelet scanned. It felt like that bracelet was my new identity, not my name. Did anyone even ask for my name, after the receptionist?
A nurse came in with a laptop, and I had to explain everything to her, which she entered into the computer. Then a med student came in with a clipboard, and I had to give her the exact same information I just gave the nurse. Then the med student brought in a doctor, who I had to half explain the situation to and ask some further questions. This whole time, I was crying off and on, especially after my stuff was taken from me. I was spoken to as a child was spoken to, which I suppose was supposed to calm me down, but just made me feel less human. Finally, after some deliberation, I was given a prescription for anti-depressants, and was allowed to leave. My things were retrieved from a locker, and I felt like my identity was given back to me.
Another of my best friends picked me up and took me to a late night pharmacy to get my prescription. It was a small step, but it was a good step in the right direction.
By the time I went to my appointment three weeks later, I knew I was going to drop out. I didn't tell the psychiatrist, I just got a prescription for a refill and a higher dose and left.
I tried to push myself to officially withdraw, but the only way I could see to do it was to talk to each of my teachers individually and have them sign a paper saying I get a W or an F. How could I do that? How could I look each of my professors in the eye and say "I can't do it. I'm dropping out. I can't tell you why, but I just can't do it anymore." I couldn't and I didn't. I just ignored that part of my life, and was less depressed for November, probably because preparing for Black Friday in my retail job had me quite distracted from anything else.
I started feeling worse early December, though, and this is really where shit really starts to go downhill.
One of my best friends, the one who picked me up from the hospital, was going on a break from her 5 year relationship. I hoped she'd just dump the guy. He seemed like a bit of an asshole, but I never saw enough to feel comfortable voicing my opinion to her. She faked happy well enough that I didn't think it was any of my business. But after getting into an emotionally intense relationship with another man, she realized she needed to reevaluate her relationship with her current partner and was up front with him about the reasons why (which wasn't just that guy, but their various incompatibilities which would have either broken them up eventually or made them super unhappy anyway). He responds by saying he can no longer trust her to not fuck other dudes (thus taking any blame off of him) and breaks up with her.
Needless to say, there's a lot of drama going down because of this. I won't get into all the details, but there's a lot of literal and figurative shit to unpack and figure out from a five year relationship. One of the bigger ones being: Where is my friend going to live?
And really this is long enough as it is, so I'm going to break this off here and start a second post.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
No More Ex Confusion
It's funny how a concept as simple as past tense can make everything so much clearer. I finally had a good talk with my ex, fleshed out all of my thoughts and feelings since we broke up almost a year ago, and he put a subtle little "d" at the end of "love" to tell me exactly where we stand.
Ah well. Maybe now I'll be more successful in actually moving on.
Well, that's probably not all too likely since I'm a huge introvert, and am more than likely not what the average person looks for in a mate. I suppose I have more of a chance with women, but since I've never been with one, I am extraordinarily nervous about such new territory of relationships.
But yeah. I'm an atheist, feminist, bisexual/pansexual/queer who considers herself to be one entire woman plus half a man (thank you, Eddie Izzard, for the description) to the point I really want a fake dick. I'm not all too thin, and in an idea world, I'd rarely have to shave ever again. I also never want kids and am super fucking messy. While I do have my perks (or so I like to believe), this is not a list of traits most people want in a partner. At all.
But enough self-pity. I'm only 22 years old. I'm becoming more social, and I'm going to a fairly liberal college (not the most liberal college or anything, but liberal enough). I'm a Psych and Women's and Gender Studies major, so if there's anyone who can deal with my weird traits, I'll probably find them there.
I mean, there's also this super cute, nice, and laid back coworker I kind of attempt to flirt with. I am no good at flirting. At all. And I can't tell if he's flirting or being super nice. But oh well. I have my little fantasy. haha
Ah well. Maybe now I'll be more successful in actually moving on.
Well, that's probably not all too likely since I'm a huge introvert, and am more than likely not what the average person looks for in a mate. I suppose I have more of a chance with women, but since I've never been with one, I am extraordinarily nervous about such new territory of relationships.
But yeah. I'm an atheist, feminist, bisexual/pansexual/queer who considers herself to be one entire woman plus half a man (thank you, Eddie Izzard, for the description) to the point I really want a fake dick. I'm not all too thin, and in an idea world, I'd rarely have to shave ever again. I also never want kids and am super fucking messy. While I do have my perks (or so I like to believe), this is not a list of traits most people want in a partner. At all.
But enough self-pity. I'm only 22 years old. I'm becoming more social, and I'm going to a fairly liberal college (not the most liberal college or anything, but liberal enough). I'm a Psych and Women's and Gender Studies major, so if there's anyone who can deal with my weird traits, I'll probably find them there.
I mean, there's also this super cute, nice, and laid back coworker I kind of attempt to flirt with. I am no good at flirting. At all. And I can't tell if he's flirting or being super nice. But oh well. I have my little fantasy. haha
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Stress Again for the Weekend
I hate when professors say they want you to really understand the topics they're teaching, and be able to think scientifically about those topics, and then have six questions about this small part of one of the topics that you don't remember going over at all in class. What I'm trying to say is, I thought I'd at least get a high C on my latest test, but I got a D. Two D's in a row, and there are four tests in this class.
In other news, I still really want to get back with my ex, and it's hard to get that out of my head. I keep thinking about how one of the reasonings for breaking up with me because of the distance was that my work schedule would not allow us to see each other much at all, since I always worked weekends, but now I'll never work weekends, so I could hypothetically see him every weekend. I wish I could tell if I want him back because I love him so much, or because new relationships are frightening. I'm thinking a mixture of both. It doesn't help that the girl I was seeing hasn't texted me in over a week, almost two, partially because there's no way we'd be able to see each other very often, since she does work on the weekends and has a more active social life than me.
And now it's late March, and I still have no idea where I'm going to live starting June.
I just can't wait for spring break so I can forget about all these worries and responsibilities for a week, and enjoy time with my best friend in Florida. Then I get to come back and worry about how much money I spent. haha
On the bright side, I just got a text from someone in my bio class, whom I consider to be pretty hard working and smart, and she apparently did not get that great of a grade, either. I mean, she probably got a C, but if all her studying and smarts only got her a C, then I don't feel too bad. So apparently we're going to form a study group.
In other news, I still really want to get back with my ex, and it's hard to get that out of my head. I keep thinking about how one of the reasonings for breaking up with me because of the distance was that my work schedule would not allow us to see each other much at all, since I always worked weekends, but now I'll never work weekends, so I could hypothetically see him every weekend. I wish I could tell if I want him back because I love him so much, or because new relationships are frightening. I'm thinking a mixture of both. It doesn't help that the girl I was seeing hasn't texted me in over a week, almost two, partially because there's no way we'd be able to see each other very often, since she does work on the weekends and has a more active social life than me.
And now it's late March, and I still have no idea where I'm going to live starting June.
I just can't wait for spring break so I can forget about all these worries and responsibilities for a week, and enjoy time with my best friend in Florida. Then I get to come back and worry about how much money I spent. haha
On the bright side, I just got a text from someone in my bio class, whom I consider to be pretty hard working and smart, and she apparently did not get that great of a grade, either. I mean, she probably got a C, but if all her studying and smarts only got her a C, then I don't feel too bad. So apparently we're going to form a study group.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Figuring out the future
Classes for this summer and next semester have been enrolled in! And I ended my sentence in a preposition! And I also figured out my general sort of schedule until I graduate! Exclamations!
But seriously, I feel like that's a weight off my shoulders, though I'm more than a bit disappointed that I'm not sure I'll have room for human sexuality, sex differences, or Harry Potter: religion and magic by the time I graduate... I guess I'll try to squeeze them in there somehow! Now I just have to get everything approved by my advisers, which means actually dropping my bio major and adding my WGST major, sociology minor, and multicultural certificate (which I'll be eligible for after I'm finished with my summer classes), so I still have a bit of work to do!
Anyway, I have work at seven in the morning (which means if I go to bed immediately, I still won't get my full 8 hours), a test tomorrow to study for, and laundry I meant to do today, but got too worried about a potential fiasco with class scheduling to actually do. Guess I'll have to do laundry tomorrow night after my test? We'll see. In the mean time, should I sleep on the futon or on my bed without the sheets? Decisions, decisions.
But seriously, I feel like that's a weight off my shoulders, though I'm more than a bit disappointed that I'm not sure I'll have room for human sexuality, sex differences, or Harry Potter: religion and magic by the time I graduate... I guess I'll try to squeeze them in there somehow! Now I just have to get everything approved by my advisers, which means actually dropping my bio major and adding my WGST major, sociology minor, and multicultural certificate (which I'll be eligible for after I'm finished with my summer classes), so I still have a bit of work to do!
Anyway, I have work at seven in the morning (which means if I go to bed immediately, I still won't get my full 8 hours), a test tomorrow to study for, and laundry I meant to do today, but got too worried about a potential fiasco with class scheduling to actually do. Guess I'll have to do laundry tomorrow night after my test? We'll see. In the mean time, should I sleep on the futon or on my bed without the sheets? Decisions, decisions.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Stoner Neighbors and John Green
At least two of my five neighbors (well, people who live in my apartment building) smoke constantly. The first floor of my building regularly smells like pot, and I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor smokes a good bit, too. I'm just sitting here, minding my own business, when my apartment is engulfed in the smell. Can you get second hand high? Second hand high through doors and/or vents? Oh well, I'll probably just be sitting at home eating the mediocre chocolate cake (with no frosting) I baked yesterday, anyway. haha
So I recently splurged and bought John Green's box set. I have already read his latest novel, The Fault in Our Stars, and I was trying to save the other three books for my three hour flights to and from Florida during spring break, but apparently I have no willpower when just sitting next to a box set of books by an author I know is amazing. So, I did as any weak-willed nerdfighter would do, and I began reading "Looking for Alaska," certain that I could just read a small section then get back to the homework and studying I needed to do. Yeah, in less than four hours, I finished it, and it was amazing, and I hate John Green. So many feelings! I love his style of writing, the language he uses, how real and full of faults and awesome his characters are... And I hate him. haha He's too good and manipulates my emotions too well! I really need to work on my novel some more. Though now I think it's going to have a sequel, because there's something else I want to happen, but now that I think about some of the things I want to happen in the first book, I really can't imagine it spanning two books, and I should probably just keep it to a novel. The plot twist I would introduce to turn it into two books would be pretty interesting, I think, which makes it tempting. I guess we'll see what happens when I get there.
So I recently splurged and bought John Green's box set. I have already read his latest novel, The Fault in Our Stars, and I was trying to save the other three books for my three hour flights to and from Florida during spring break, but apparently I have no willpower when just sitting next to a box set of books by an author I know is amazing. So, I did as any weak-willed nerdfighter would do, and I began reading "Looking for Alaska," certain that I could just read a small section then get back to the homework and studying I needed to do. Yeah, in less than four hours, I finished it, and it was amazing, and I hate John Green. So many feelings! I love his style of writing, the language he uses, how real and full of faults and awesome his characters are... And I hate him. haha He's too good and manipulates my emotions too well! I really need to work on my novel some more. Though now I think it's going to have a sequel, because there's something else I want to happen, but now that I think about some of the things I want to happen in the first book, I really can't imagine it spanning two books, and I should probably just keep it to a novel. The plot twist I would introduce to turn it into two books would be pretty interesting, I think, which makes it tempting. I guess we'll see what happens when I get there.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Stress Again
So I thought all the stress was gone for at least a little bit, but no. I need to look for another apartment. My dad isn't a huge fan of the lease terms for the apartment I picked out, so he wants me to find another one. Hopefully I'll be able to find one that suits us both (since he is the one paying most of the rent) soon. I am definitely tired of apartment searching.
On the bright side, I could theoretically be done with my fall online class in a month, if I hit the limit of three assignments each week. I mean, technically I could have done that shortly after I started the class (though you have to be in the class for six weeks), but I'm pretty lazy. haha However, since fall semester is over in May, I'd rather not have this class hanging around until August, so I'll be doing at least an assignment every weekend until I get it done. Well, that would still not have me done until finals week, so I guess I should pick it up. Maybe at least two each weekend? That sounds better.
Having weekends off is pretty kickass. I really can't wait until next semester, because my schedule is going to be awesome, assuming I'm able to register for all the classes I want. If not, well... That'll be another stress back to haunt me.
On the bright side, I could theoretically be done with my fall online class in a month, if I hit the limit of three assignments each week. I mean, technically I could have done that shortly after I started the class (though you have to be in the class for six weeks), but I'm pretty lazy. haha However, since fall semester is over in May, I'd rather not have this class hanging around until August, so I'll be doing at least an assignment every weekend until I get it done. Well, that would still not have me done until finals week, so I guess I should pick it up. Maybe at least two each weekend? That sounds better.
Having weekends off is pretty kickass. I really can't wait until next semester, because my schedule is going to be awesome, assuming I'm able to register for all the classes I want. If not, well... That'll be another stress back to haunt me.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Frequency, Stress, and Scheduling
So I'm taking a creative writing class that requires I post on a blog, so I suppose I'll be posting here more often. Well, this isn't the blog I'm doing for my class (I created a new one), but I might as well post more since I'm right here anyway.
I've really just been feeling stupid lately because I'm having a hard time moving on. New relationships are hard, and I really enjoyed my last one. It was nice and comfortable; not a lot of new information or habits had to be revealed. However, I'm having a really hard time starting this new relationship because I am not a person who is typically comfortable taking initiative, and I feel that's all I've been doing, and she has just been much more passive. It's also hard to work between our two schedules of work, class, and social life, and with her not suggesting many times she's available to do something, I feel like I'm putting too much energy into it. Oh well, I guess it'll be figured out one way or another.
On the bright side, I'm getting a new position at work that should pay more (once I officially start it when the semester ends) AND it gives me weekends off! I just made up my schedule for next semester that is almost perfect; it gives me time in the morning to work the new position, it gives me time in the evening to go to my organizations, and the only class I'm not absolutely looking forward to is German, because I am not a person who learns languages easily. I wish I was; that would be so cool! My old roommate can. She learned German and English at about the same time, took three or four years of Spanish in high school, and is considering learning Japanese. I, however, actually have to work for it. haha
I've really just been feeling stupid lately because I'm having a hard time moving on. New relationships are hard, and I really enjoyed my last one. It was nice and comfortable; not a lot of new information or habits had to be revealed. However, I'm having a really hard time starting this new relationship because I am not a person who is typically comfortable taking initiative, and I feel that's all I've been doing, and she has just been much more passive. It's also hard to work between our two schedules of work, class, and social life, and with her not suggesting many times she's available to do something, I feel like I'm putting too much energy into it. Oh well, I guess it'll be figured out one way or another.
On the bright side, I'm getting a new position at work that should pay more (once I officially start it when the semester ends) AND it gives me weekends off! I just made up my schedule for next semester that is almost perfect; it gives me time in the morning to work the new position, it gives me time in the evening to go to my organizations, and the only class I'm not absolutely looking forward to is German, because I am not a person who learns languages easily. I wish I was; that would be so cool! My old roommate can. She learned German and English at about the same time, took three or four years of Spanish in high school, and is considering learning Japanese. I, however, actually have to work for it. haha
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Not exactly an extrovert
Being a pretty big introvert, it's hard for me to get into social situations. However, I realize social skills and activities are needed in life, and I'm trying to be better about initiating, but it's all so exhausting. For example, I'm trying to go out on dates with this one woman, but I think she's also pretty shy because I've been the one texting first and asking to go out and all that, and I'm not sure I can manage that much longer, nor do I want to set a pattern for the future. Ah well. First world problems and all that. But seriously, being a successful college student can be freaking hard for an introvert like me. haha
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Break up-ish
So I think one of the best ways I've ever read someone describe the difference in getting over a breakup between the one who ends and the one who deals with the end is the idea of unpacking feelings. The one who ends it did all their unpacking slowly for a while and so they're ready to move on with life. The receiver has had no chance to unpack and thus is distraught and confused as to how their former partner can be over things already. That's how things are with me and him, and even though we haven't been dating for months, it's how I finally know we're over. Before, it was like he hadn't unpacked at all and we were both in the same boat. This time... He wasn't as sad as before. He didn't cry with me, he just tried to comfort me then moved on. And that's how I know it's real this time. He has unpacked everything. Now I'm truly alone, and I suppose that's okay.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Rape Culture
It's strange that there was a time in my life not too long ago in which I had no idea what "rape culture" was, much less how much it shaped my outlook on life. I used to be one of those feminist-hating-feminists that high schoolers typically think is a really awesome concept. I don't remember anyone ever actually telling me that feminists were bad or overly radical, it's just the sort of impression I got from society. I don't remember anyone specifically telling me girls who have too much sex are bad people, it was just what everyone "knew." I am, however, keenly aware of why I subscribed to the rape culture logic even while I was becoming more open and progressive, but that's probably a long and rage fueled enough story to be its own separate post eventually.
The main point of this is, I guess, rape culture sucks, and people who pretend it doesn't exist suck, and people who don't realize it exists (like my mother, I believe) need to be educated about it.
This kinda ties into part of my previous post where I said something to the effect of how I hate being female because I can't just go for a walk alone downtown at night. I used to live in a fairly rural community, so there was no reason for me to want to go walking around at night, so I guess I never really got those warnings women who grew up in more populated areas did. I mean, I still heard about the dangers and basically understood them, but I figured they were just a bunch of paranoid women, and I didn't want to identify with them; I still don't, really. But now I've moved to a more densely populated college town. Pretty soon after moving here with my roommate, I really got sick of either being in the apartment or being around her, but the second I suggested the idea of walking alone downtown, my roommate and my best friend flipped out. Under no circumstances was I to be by myself at night. I found the idea ridiculous, but I heeded their caution anyway. My roommate would occasionally talk about how there was no way she would walk around in our neighborhood at night, but I find her rather paranoid about most things, and this was no exception.
But then I started reading more feminist articles and books, and came in contact with more news reports and horror stories. I began understanding that the world was even less of a safe place than I considered it before, and that people who blamed rape victims for their assault were not as few and far in between as I had thought.
Then, there were two things that really drove home the prevalence of rape culture and how unsafe I was in my neighborhood in general.
I'm on OkCupid, which is a dating site on which you can write up and answer a bunch of questions in an attempt to find a match who has similar values as you. There is one question that really sticks out to me as one with an obvious, sane answer, but apparently not everyone gets it. The question is "If you were at a party with a person of the gender you like who is drunk and hitting on you, but you know would never normally have casual sex with you, would you take advantage of the situation?" or something like that. To me, the obvious answer is no. Of course you wouldn't take advantage of a person's inebriated state and have sex with them when you know they wouldn't do so sober. However, at least half the guys I was checking out who answered this question answered "yes" that they would in fact take advantage of that person. I cannot comprehend how someone can rationally think "this person would not normally have sex with me" and then feel it's perfectly fine to have sex with them! Don't they realize that's date rape? Needless to say, it made me very wary of going to parties of any sort, which is really fine since I'm not a big partier to begin with.
The second event that showed me how unsafe my neighborhood was occurred about a month ago. One of my car windows, along with the windows of about eight other cars, was smashed in as it sat in my apartment parking lot. I did not have anything expensive looking sitting out, and nothing was stolen. Someone simply decided to go around smashing in windows for the heck of it. While this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with rape culture, it was a wake up call that all the crime I read about in the news or see portrayed in various forms of media was real and immediate and I wasn't safe from it. It was a relatively small violation, since nothing was stolen and I wasn't there, but still a violation that definitely makes you feel more unsafe in general. It made me wonder what if I had been out there when that person or group of people was out looking to make trouble? I occasionally drove around at night, and sometimes I would work until 10 and maybe shop after work, and not get back until late. What would have happened to one lone female in such a situation? And I hate it. How often do guys worry about this? How often are they afraid to walk out to their car at night? How often do they wonder if they should wear certain clothes in certain areas at certain times because it might give people the wrong idea, it might make their assault justifiable?
And it goes on into a spiral of questioning and bitterness at the differences between genders, about all the men, and even women, who actually believe women with multiple partners or revealing clothing were "asking" to be raped, or all the men who don't realize taking advantage of a drunk woman is rape, all of the women who are too afraid of the judgement and isolation if they report their assault.
On top of all of this, I watched an episode of Dateline that discussed date rape drugs in which a reporter pretended to slip a woman at a bar a roofie after bragging about his intentions to some randomly chosen guys, and then getting high fived at the prospect! Even more disgusting was when the reporter left with the actress, came back alone, mentioned that the woman was passed out under the boardwalk, and a guy saying he "wouldn't mind sloppy seconds"! These are real people out there. Potential rapists who consider themselves to be decent, average people, who not only do nothing when they know a woman is going to be drugged, but encourage it and want a piece of the action.
I don't feel like I can empathize with humanity anymore. People need to be educated, they need to be told that their patterns of thinking about women and sex are just plain wrong. Women need to be able to feel safe walking the street at night. I just... I don't know. I can't handle all of these horrible things I'm learning. I almost miss my naivety.
Yes, I realize this post was highly hetero-centric, and my apologies but it was long enough as is, and adding all the other facets out there would make it twice as long. Maybe I'll talk about it in another post.
The main point of this is, I guess, rape culture sucks, and people who pretend it doesn't exist suck, and people who don't realize it exists (like my mother, I believe) need to be educated about it.
This kinda ties into part of my previous post where I said something to the effect of how I hate being female because I can't just go for a walk alone downtown at night. I used to live in a fairly rural community, so there was no reason for me to want to go walking around at night, so I guess I never really got those warnings women who grew up in more populated areas did. I mean, I still heard about the dangers and basically understood them, but I figured they were just a bunch of paranoid women, and I didn't want to identify with them; I still don't, really. But now I've moved to a more densely populated college town. Pretty soon after moving here with my roommate, I really got sick of either being in the apartment or being around her, but the second I suggested the idea of walking alone downtown, my roommate and my best friend flipped out. Under no circumstances was I to be by myself at night. I found the idea ridiculous, but I heeded their caution anyway. My roommate would occasionally talk about how there was no way she would walk around in our neighborhood at night, but I find her rather paranoid about most things, and this was no exception.
But then I started reading more feminist articles and books, and came in contact with more news reports and horror stories. I began understanding that the world was even less of a safe place than I considered it before, and that people who blamed rape victims for their assault were not as few and far in between as I had thought.
Then, there were two things that really drove home the prevalence of rape culture and how unsafe I was in my neighborhood in general.
I'm on OkCupid, which is a dating site on which you can write up and answer a bunch of questions in an attempt to find a match who has similar values as you. There is one question that really sticks out to me as one with an obvious, sane answer, but apparently not everyone gets it. The question is "If you were at a party with a person of the gender you like who is drunk and hitting on you, but you know would never normally have casual sex with you, would you take advantage of the situation?" or something like that. To me, the obvious answer is no. Of course you wouldn't take advantage of a person's inebriated state and have sex with them when you know they wouldn't do so sober. However, at least half the guys I was checking out who answered this question answered "yes" that they would in fact take advantage of that person. I cannot comprehend how someone can rationally think "this person would not normally have sex with me" and then feel it's perfectly fine to have sex with them! Don't they realize that's date rape? Needless to say, it made me very wary of going to parties of any sort, which is really fine since I'm not a big partier to begin with.
The second event that showed me how unsafe my neighborhood was occurred about a month ago. One of my car windows, along with the windows of about eight other cars, was smashed in as it sat in my apartment parking lot. I did not have anything expensive looking sitting out, and nothing was stolen. Someone simply decided to go around smashing in windows for the heck of it. While this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with rape culture, it was a wake up call that all the crime I read about in the news or see portrayed in various forms of media was real and immediate and I wasn't safe from it. It was a relatively small violation, since nothing was stolen and I wasn't there, but still a violation that definitely makes you feel more unsafe in general. It made me wonder what if I had been out there when that person or group of people was out looking to make trouble? I occasionally drove around at night, and sometimes I would work until 10 and maybe shop after work, and not get back until late. What would have happened to one lone female in such a situation? And I hate it. How often do guys worry about this? How often are they afraid to walk out to their car at night? How often do they wonder if they should wear certain clothes in certain areas at certain times because it might give people the wrong idea, it might make their assault justifiable?
And it goes on into a spiral of questioning and bitterness at the differences between genders, about all the men, and even women, who actually believe women with multiple partners or revealing clothing were "asking" to be raped, or all the men who don't realize taking advantage of a drunk woman is rape, all of the women who are too afraid of the judgement and isolation if they report their assault.
On top of all of this, I watched an episode of Dateline that discussed date rape drugs in which a reporter pretended to slip a woman at a bar a roofie after bragging about his intentions to some randomly chosen guys, and then getting high fived at the prospect! Even more disgusting was when the reporter left with the actress, came back alone, mentioned that the woman was passed out under the boardwalk, and a guy saying he "wouldn't mind sloppy seconds"! These are real people out there. Potential rapists who consider themselves to be decent, average people, who not only do nothing when they know a woman is going to be drugged, but encourage it and want a piece of the action.
I don't feel like I can empathize with humanity anymore. People need to be educated, they need to be told that their patterns of thinking about women and sex are just plain wrong. Women need to be able to feel safe walking the street at night. I just... I don't know. I can't handle all of these horrible things I'm learning. I almost miss my naivety.
Yes, I realize this post was highly hetero-centric, and my apologies but it was long enough as is, and adding all the other facets out there would make it twice as long. Maybe I'll talk about it in another post.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Random Update and Such
As much progress as I've made with my social issues, calling people on the phone still makes me anxious. Going in person and making the appointment is fine, but too inconvenient for me to do for most things. At least I don't have panic attacks any more.
I bring this up because I have a billion and two appointments to make, and I don't know how many I can actually make because insurance issues are stupid. You see, I have Tricare, which is amazing because I have virtually no medical bills to worry about, but gets more restrictive the farther away from a military post you get. In this case, there are plenty of doctors around here that accept Tricare, but the one time I actually tried to make an appointment, I had to get a referral from my Primary Care doctor, who is about two hours away. I could switch PCMs, but the nearest one to me is over an hour away, and driving to see them just to get referred to an OBGYN or some such just isn't reasonable for me to do. So the fact that I'm really not sure how that sort of thing is going to work out when I attempt to make a few doctor appointments really doesn't help my anxiety. I mean, I've had panic attacks after sputtering stupidly on the phone after trying to make an appointment when I didn't know some apparently basic information (it was my first time talking to a clinic off base). Thus, to avoid this, I'm going to have to trek to my university's hospital and head up to the fourth floor to talk to the people at the Student Health Center to see what exactly the bit of insurance I automatically get as a student will cover.
So what are the appointments I need to make? Well, I'm past due for my PapSmear (which I know everyone loves to be informed about), and I'm having some lady issues I'd like to get checked out, so there's that. Of course, if all else fails, I can just head to Planned Parenthood like I did last time I needed my lady bits examined. However, Tricare doesn't pay for such things, so that's all out of my pocket. I've also been having some worrying chest pains, especially after I physically exert myself, and this is something I'm really concerned about as far as being able to see a doctor goes since last time I wanted to get checked out, I had to go to my primary care just for him to set up an appointment with a cardiologist. I guess we'll see how that goes. I also have to make an appointment for my poor cat. I've needed to get him an appointment since June, but lack of money and time on top of the chaos of moving has made me put it off for far too long. Unfortunately, only one vet in the area accepts the Care Credit card I got during his first appointment, so unless I want to pay all expenses up front (which I don't since I'd like to get him neutered soon), I really can't research different clinics and make a choice that's best for him. The final appointment, I've actually already made, after putting it off forever. I'm finally going back to therapy to help manage my anxiety and depression. I've come a long way since I first realized I had issues, and sometimes I think I don't need help any more, that I somehow managed to deal with it all on my own, and then some combination of minor issues comes up, and I'm back to feeling worthless and hopeless. Fortunately, the appointment is paid for with my tuition, so I don't have to worry about insurance complications or copays or anything.
I'll have so much to discuss with my new therapist. My anger over being female, thus not able to do something simple like walk around downtown alone at night, and similarly, my confusion with my gender identity. Most days I feel solidly female, but sometimes I feel out of place in my sex, as though someone's going to call me out and say "You can put your hair up nicely, you can wear feminine clothes and makeup and all the jewelry you want, but you're not fooling anyone; you don't belong!"
Then there's my sort-of-ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me basically only because of the distance. I'm sure that if we were living in the same town and were able to see each other regularly, he would have been happier in the relationship. But we don't do the "break up" thing very well. We still say "I love you." We still go out of our way to talk to and see each other, and talk about buying each other presents. We still fuck and cuddle with the same passion and intimacy as we did before. We're together in all but title. And I feel horrible, but part of me hopes he doesn't get into a good grad school like he wants, and instead goes to my school so we can be together again. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him. I agree that it's a stupid idea. Still, I'm no longer actively trying to get in a relationship or really desiring one with anyone else until I know for sure where he'll be going. I almost dread that time, because in the likely event that he doesn't go to my school, we'll have to face the reality that our current blissful state will end. It will be like breaking up all over again.
And I'm not sure I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't think he's the appropriate person to discuss it with, though I have no idea who is, but I feel like in my academic career I will constantly have to choose one major over the other, and I'll more than likely regularly choose psychology. I feel like I'm betraying biology or showing that I'm not really serious about it, just another psych major who doesn't want all the hard work and technicalities of a hard science major, but I don't know what else to do, the psychology options just tend to interest me more. Here, very little extracurricular biology seems to be focused on humans outside of medical school, which I have no intention of attending. I try to find a good balance, but it feels like if I choose psychology, I'm choosing the easy route, but if I choose biology, I'm getting too far away from my actual interests and career goals. I wish I had some sort of mentor, but it's hard to even google someone who is researching the neurological functions behind gender and sexuality, much less find someone on campus I could talk to and connect with.
Then there's the fact that this whole blog post is just a distraction from the homework I really should be working on. I start out so determined to make A's in all of my classes, but the further I get into some of my classes, the more unlikely it seems. Even now that I have less hours at work, thus more time to study, I spend most of that time goofing off on the Internet, reading comics, or talking to people rather than do homework or study. I'm finally getting my health in gear (dropped 20 pounds so far), my mental and emotional health are better than they have been since puberty, and here I am still unable to get my ass in gear for school, when I'll most likely need at least a 3.5 on top of research experience to even be considered for good graduate schools.
But is my current plan what I even want to do? Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and edit and write stories forever. I don't know. It's hard to tell what part of me actually wants to do something and what part is just trying to figure out what's practical and what's considered more challenging and/or "respectable." I know it's one of the reasons I added my biology major; I got tired of people I couldn't respect academically at all getting into psychology; I didn't want to be lumped in with them, just as I don't want to be lumped in with a lot of people who are going for creative writing or similar degrees.
I wish I didn't have to work. I feel everything would just be so much easier if I didn't have that extra thing to worry about. I'm lucky enough, though. My dad bought me a new car, pays for the insurance, and now started paying my rent. It's not as good as some people get it, but better than my roommate, even though her parents are better off.
I don't know. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I still think I have a lot more to say, but this is quite long enough for now, and I should probably get back to homework and studying, and maybe taking a nap before class starts at nine.
I bring this up because I have a billion and two appointments to make, and I don't know how many I can actually make because insurance issues are stupid. You see, I have Tricare, which is amazing because I have virtually no medical bills to worry about, but gets more restrictive the farther away from a military post you get. In this case, there are plenty of doctors around here that accept Tricare, but the one time I actually tried to make an appointment, I had to get a referral from my Primary Care doctor, who is about two hours away. I could switch PCMs, but the nearest one to me is over an hour away, and driving to see them just to get referred to an OBGYN or some such just isn't reasonable for me to do. So the fact that I'm really not sure how that sort of thing is going to work out when I attempt to make a few doctor appointments really doesn't help my anxiety. I mean, I've had panic attacks after sputtering stupidly on the phone after trying to make an appointment when I didn't know some apparently basic information (it was my first time talking to a clinic off base). Thus, to avoid this, I'm going to have to trek to my university's hospital and head up to the fourth floor to talk to the people at the Student Health Center to see what exactly the bit of insurance I automatically get as a student will cover.
So what are the appointments I need to make? Well, I'm past due for my PapSmear (which I know everyone loves to be informed about), and I'm having some lady issues I'd like to get checked out, so there's that. Of course, if all else fails, I can just head to Planned Parenthood like I did last time I needed my lady bits examined. However, Tricare doesn't pay for such things, so that's all out of my pocket. I've also been having some worrying chest pains, especially after I physically exert myself, and this is something I'm really concerned about as far as being able to see a doctor goes since last time I wanted to get checked out, I had to go to my primary care just for him to set up an appointment with a cardiologist. I guess we'll see how that goes. I also have to make an appointment for my poor cat. I've needed to get him an appointment since June, but lack of money and time on top of the chaos of moving has made me put it off for far too long. Unfortunately, only one vet in the area accepts the Care Credit card I got during his first appointment, so unless I want to pay all expenses up front (which I don't since I'd like to get him neutered soon), I really can't research different clinics and make a choice that's best for him. The final appointment, I've actually already made, after putting it off forever. I'm finally going back to therapy to help manage my anxiety and depression. I've come a long way since I first realized I had issues, and sometimes I think I don't need help any more, that I somehow managed to deal with it all on my own, and then some combination of minor issues comes up, and I'm back to feeling worthless and hopeless. Fortunately, the appointment is paid for with my tuition, so I don't have to worry about insurance complications or copays or anything.
I'll have so much to discuss with my new therapist. My anger over being female, thus not able to do something simple like walk around downtown alone at night, and similarly, my confusion with my gender identity. Most days I feel solidly female, but sometimes I feel out of place in my sex, as though someone's going to call me out and say "You can put your hair up nicely, you can wear feminine clothes and makeup and all the jewelry you want, but you're not fooling anyone; you don't belong!"
Then there's my sort-of-ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me basically only because of the distance. I'm sure that if we were living in the same town and were able to see each other regularly, he would have been happier in the relationship. But we don't do the "break up" thing very well. We still say "I love you." We still go out of our way to talk to and see each other, and talk about buying each other presents. We still fuck and cuddle with the same passion and intimacy as we did before. We're together in all but title. And I feel horrible, but part of me hopes he doesn't get into a good grad school like he wants, and instead goes to my school so we can be together again. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him. I agree that it's a stupid idea. Still, I'm no longer actively trying to get in a relationship or really desiring one with anyone else until I know for sure where he'll be going. I almost dread that time, because in the likely event that he doesn't go to my school, we'll have to face the reality that our current blissful state will end. It will be like breaking up all over again.
And I'm not sure I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't think he's the appropriate person to discuss it with, though I have no idea who is, but I feel like in my academic career I will constantly have to choose one major over the other, and I'll more than likely regularly choose psychology. I feel like I'm betraying biology or showing that I'm not really serious about it, just another psych major who doesn't want all the hard work and technicalities of a hard science major, but I don't know what else to do, the psychology options just tend to interest me more. Here, very little extracurricular biology seems to be focused on humans outside of medical school, which I have no intention of attending. I try to find a good balance, but it feels like if I choose psychology, I'm choosing the easy route, but if I choose biology, I'm getting too far away from my actual interests and career goals. I wish I had some sort of mentor, but it's hard to even google someone who is researching the neurological functions behind gender and sexuality, much less find someone on campus I could talk to and connect with.
Then there's the fact that this whole blog post is just a distraction from the homework I really should be working on. I start out so determined to make A's in all of my classes, but the further I get into some of my classes, the more unlikely it seems. Even now that I have less hours at work, thus more time to study, I spend most of that time goofing off on the Internet, reading comics, or talking to people rather than do homework or study. I'm finally getting my health in gear (dropped 20 pounds so far), my mental and emotional health are better than they have been since puberty, and here I am still unable to get my ass in gear for school, when I'll most likely need at least a 3.5 on top of research experience to even be considered for good graduate schools.
But is my current plan what I even want to do? Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and edit and write stories forever. I don't know. It's hard to tell what part of me actually wants to do something and what part is just trying to figure out what's practical and what's considered more challenging and/or "respectable." I know it's one of the reasons I added my biology major; I got tired of people I couldn't respect academically at all getting into psychology; I didn't want to be lumped in with them, just as I don't want to be lumped in with a lot of people who are going for creative writing or similar degrees.
I wish I didn't have to work. I feel everything would just be so much easier if I didn't have that extra thing to worry about. I'm lucky enough, though. My dad bought me a new car, pays for the insurance, and now started paying my rent. It's not as good as some people get it, but better than my roommate, even though her parents are better off.
I don't know. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I still think I have a lot more to say, but this is quite long enough for now, and I should probably get back to homework and studying, and maybe taking a nap before class starts at nine.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Visits and new blogs
One of my friends is visiting tomorrow and staying the night, so I'm pretty excited! =) We've been friends for like six years, and we hardly ever get to see each other, so it's pretty awesome. Mizzou is showing The Hunger Games for free tomorrow night, and we're going to go see it with my roommate and a coworker or two. Can't wait! =D
Also, I'm thinking of starting another blog for each of the stories I'm working on, and making a dedication to post something new for at least one of 'em each day. Hm...
I'm worried about a couple things, though. For one, I edit my stuff a lot. I typically don't have a clear cut idea as to everything that will happen in a story, so sometimes I'll get a great idea later down the road, and I'll have to go back and change some stuff in the beginning. Also I'm lazy and don't research 100% as I'm writing for the "filler" sort of details, so I wouldn't always be posting finished chapters. I'm also worried about copyrights. I'm afraid someone else will take my ideas and through some loophole be able to publish them. Murdering might ensue, and I don't want to go to jail. haha
I guess we'll see what happens?
Also, I'm thinking of starting another blog for each of the stories I'm working on, and making a dedication to post something new for at least one of 'em each day. Hm...
I'm worried about a couple things, though. For one, I edit my stuff a lot. I typically don't have a clear cut idea as to everything that will happen in a story, so sometimes I'll get a great idea later down the road, and I'll have to go back and change some stuff in the beginning. Also I'm lazy and don't research 100% as I'm writing for the "filler" sort of details, so I wouldn't always be posting finished chapters. I'm also worried about copyrights. I'm afraid someone else will take my ideas and through some loophole be able to publish them. Murdering might ensue, and I don't want to go to jail. haha
I guess we'll see what happens?
Friday, July 13, 2012
Cute Coworker and Doctor Who
I think I'm going to make a few posts about things that have happened recently, instead of shoving them all into one post, so I'm going to start with the one that's on my mind now.
As I mentioned in my intro, I have a crush on a cute coworker. Last night, he came over after I got off work so we could watch Doctor Who. I had prepped dinner before leaving for work (nothing fancy, just a cheap Mexican-esque dish) and my roommate (who got off an hour and a half before me) popped it in the oven when she got home, so it was ready by the time I got home.
I had cleaned a bit in the morning (almost arrived late for work trying to do everything), so I only had to set up the TV in the living room when I got back. I kind of get anxious and go into full blown hostess mode when someone is coming over for the first time (and second, and third, depending on the situation) thanks to my mom always doing that when my friends came over, so I was picking up random pieces of trash and kinda straightening the area as best I could while waiting for him to come over. He felt bad for "eating all my food" as he put it, so he brought over ice cream as a contribution to the dinner. I've been trying to lose weight, but bringing dessert was the only thing he could think of (and I didn't want to make him pay more and buy frozen yogurt or something) so I just had two small scoops when it came time.
We only had time to watch three episodes since he has to work today, so I showed him Blink and the pair of Silence in the Library episodes. I think we'll start on season one next time. I was originally planning to start him on the 11th Doctor, but I gathered from some of our conversations that he'd prefer to start from the beginning. (The few episodes I showed him were just to get him hooked. haha)
My roommate was a little rude, in my opinion, while we were watching the first episode (I think she went to bed before starting the second). She knew he was coming over to watch Doctor Who, and I have no problem with her watching with us or sitting in the living room on her laptop, but for the first few minutes, she was watching a show on her laptop with no headphones. (I kind of wish she would have offered to let us sit on her futon since it was directly in front of the TV (there was no good place to put the TV directly in front of mine), but it's her futon, so I can't really fault her for it.) Then she kept talking during the episode, about how she reacted when she first watched it, or how freaky something was, or even just talking about something on her computer. Occasionally she would loudly exclaim about my cat bugging her (he was being quite the ass last night), when to me a simple no or a shove would have sufficed. Unfortunately, she's kinda headstrong to the point that I'm pretty sure if I pointed out how she was being kind of rude, she would have just shrugged it off because it's her living room, too. I dunno, it's just differences in how we were raised, I guess.
As I mentioned, my cat was being a butt. He was all "Oh! Look at this new person! I want to play with his shoes! Let me smell his face! I want to cuddle then bite him! I want to stare at him while he eats and try to grab a bite!" and when I would try to restrain him, he would just bite the crap out of my hands. My roommate's ferret was pretty curious/annoying too (kept trying to crawl up his pants leg), but she could put her ferret in her cage when she was being too much trouble. I could have shut Vincent in the bathroom, but I would have felt bad, and he would have yowled loudly enough to distract from the show anyway.
As I said, my coworker had to leave after three episodes, and as I was showing him out, he said how much he enjoyed them, and that he wanted to watch more, etc. We were saying goodbye's at the door, and I thought he was about to open the door and leave, since he was looking nervously at my cat, who seemed ready to pounce out the door, so I picked Vincent up. However, we talked a bit more, and there was a moment that he seemed kind of awkward and hesitant about leaving. I have come up with a list of possible reasons why:
1. He was unsure how to really say goodbye with finality.
2. He had something to say, then forgot.
3. He wanted to hug me, but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
4. He wanted to kiss me (*brain explodes from joy*), but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
5. There was no actual hesitation/awkwardness, and I just made the whole thing up.
I ended up having a dream last night that #4 was correct, so that makes three dreams I've had in which we've made out. haha
I'm really thinking about asking him on a date, but I'm not sure. I'm not so much afraid of potential rejection as I am potential awkwardness after a rejection. What if he finds it weird to work with me after that? What if he doesn't want to watch Doctor Who with me anymore after that? I definitely don't want to put an obstacle in front of someone's ability to become obsessed with DW. I'm kind of considering showing up at work when I know he's working (he told me last night after I told him I was off today) and asking him then, that way we have the weekend (since he very rarely works the weekend) to get over the awkwardness of a rejection and be fine by Monday if we work together then. I think I'll talk to a friend or two and get their opinion. And, you know, also figure out specifics for a potential date. haha
Man, it's a good thing I decided to post happenings separately! I rambled on quite a bit about this. haha
See yeh next post. =P
As I mentioned in my intro, I have a crush on a cute coworker. Last night, he came over after I got off work so we could watch Doctor Who. I had prepped dinner before leaving for work (nothing fancy, just a cheap Mexican-esque dish) and my roommate (who got off an hour and a half before me) popped it in the oven when she got home, so it was ready by the time I got home.
I had cleaned a bit in the morning (almost arrived late for work trying to do everything), so I only had to set up the TV in the living room when I got back. I kind of get anxious and go into full blown hostess mode when someone is coming over for the first time (and second, and third, depending on the situation) thanks to my mom always doing that when my friends came over, so I was picking up random pieces of trash and kinda straightening the area as best I could while waiting for him to come over. He felt bad for "eating all my food" as he put it, so he brought over ice cream as a contribution to the dinner. I've been trying to lose weight, but bringing dessert was the only thing he could think of (and I didn't want to make him pay more and buy frozen yogurt or something) so I just had two small scoops when it came time.
We only had time to watch three episodes since he has to work today, so I showed him Blink and the pair of Silence in the Library episodes. I think we'll start on season one next time. I was originally planning to start him on the 11th Doctor, but I gathered from some of our conversations that he'd prefer to start from the beginning. (The few episodes I showed him were just to get him hooked. haha)
My roommate was a little rude, in my opinion, while we were watching the first episode (I think she went to bed before starting the second). She knew he was coming over to watch Doctor Who, and I have no problem with her watching with us or sitting in the living room on her laptop, but for the first few minutes, she was watching a show on her laptop with no headphones. (I kind of wish she would have offered to let us sit on her futon since it was directly in front of the TV (there was no good place to put the TV directly in front of mine), but it's her futon, so I can't really fault her for it.) Then she kept talking during the episode, about how she reacted when she first watched it, or how freaky something was, or even just talking about something on her computer. Occasionally she would loudly exclaim about my cat bugging her (he was being quite the ass last night), when to me a simple no or a shove would have sufficed. Unfortunately, she's kinda headstrong to the point that I'm pretty sure if I pointed out how she was being kind of rude, she would have just shrugged it off because it's her living room, too. I dunno, it's just differences in how we were raised, I guess.
As I mentioned, my cat was being a butt. He was all "Oh! Look at this new person! I want to play with his shoes! Let me smell his face! I want to cuddle then bite him! I want to stare at him while he eats and try to grab a bite!" and when I would try to restrain him, he would just bite the crap out of my hands. My roommate's ferret was pretty curious/annoying too (kept trying to crawl up his pants leg), but she could put her ferret in her cage when she was being too much trouble. I could have shut Vincent in the bathroom, but I would have felt bad, and he would have yowled loudly enough to distract from the show anyway.
As I said, my coworker had to leave after three episodes, and as I was showing him out, he said how much he enjoyed them, and that he wanted to watch more, etc. We were saying goodbye's at the door, and I thought he was about to open the door and leave, since he was looking nervously at my cat, who seemed ready to pounce out the door, so I picked Vincent up. However, we talked a bit more, and there was a moment that he seemed kind of awkward and hesitant about leaving. I have come up with a list of possible reasons why:
1. He was unsure how to really say goodbye with finality.
2. He had something to say, then forgot.
3. He wanted to hug me, but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
4. He wanted to kiss me (*brain explodes from joy*), but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
5. There was no actual hesitation/awkwardness, and I just made the whole thing up.
I ended up having a dream last night that #4 was correct, so that makes three dreams I've had in which we've made out. haha
I'm really thinking about asking him on a date, but I'm not sure. I'm not so much afraid of potential rejection as I am potential awkwardness after a rejection. What if he finds it weird to work with me after that? What if he doesn't want to watch Doctor Who with me anymore after that? I definitely don't want to put an obstacle in front of someone's ability to become obsessed with DW. I'm kind of considering showing up at work when I know he's working (he told me last night after I told him I was off today) and asking him then, that way we have the weekend (since he very rarely works the weekend) to get over the awkwardness of a rejection and be fine by Monday if we work together then. I think I'll talk to a friend or two and get their opinion. And, you know, also figure out specifics for a potential date. haha
Man, it's a good thing I decided to post happenings separately! I rambled on quite a bit about this. haha
See yeh next post. =P
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Introduction?
Hey! My name's Jackie. I'm a pansexual, atheist, childfree, liberal, cross dressing female. I'm about to begin my first semester at Mizzou for a double major in Psychology and Biology (haven't got the Biology bit official yet), and since I transferred some credits from a community college, I'll be a sophomore-ish. I plan on doing research on neurological reasons behind gender differences, sex, and sexuality, and in order to do that, I have to go to school forever, since I need at least a PhD. I also want to major in everything. My current idea for minors are Religious Studies and Women's and Gender Studies because why not. haha
I'm currently single, but have my eye on a coworker who is probably way out of my league. He has a Master's from Duke. Yes, Duke. But I'm still checking out other people (yay online dating!) and hope to find more guys and girls to hit on once school starts up.
I'm currently living with a friend and coworker. We lived in the same tiny town before moving up here for college. Before moving in with her, I lived alone for about a year. I miss it terribly.
My roommate is a pretty cool person, but she is almost the polar opposite of me. I'm pretty chunky and have a hard time losing weight; she's thin and struggles to gain weight. I feel like I missed the memo on how to interact normally in society; she's confident and knows what to say in almost every situation. I have a hard time making friends; she walks into a room and is friends with everyone. I'm pretty non-confrontational and look for compromise; she's headstrong and is proud of never backing down. I like hanging out with one or two people; she has to hang out with a large group. And the list goes on. It can get pretty frustrating, but we're fine as long as we keep topics to surface stuff like movies and manga. Well, I'm fine. She talks about whatever whenever no matter who it may insult. haha
I have a cat named Vincent. He's about 4 months old. My roommate has a ferret named Pabu who is about 5 months old. They get along pretty well most of the time.
I think that's a good enough of an introduction. I may or may not post regularly, so I guess we'll see?
I'm currently single, but have my eye on a coworker who is probably way out of my league. He has a Master's from Duke. Yes, Duke. But I'm still checking out other people (yay online dating!) and hope to find more guys and girls to hit on once school starts up.
I'm currently living with a friend and coworker. We lived in the same tiny town before moving up here for college. Before moving in with her, I lived alone for about a year. I miss it terribly.
My roommate is a pretty cool person, but she is almost the polar opposite of me. I'm pretty chunky and have a hard time losing weight; she's thin and struggles to gain weight. I feel like I missed the memo on how to interact normally in society; she's confident and knows what to say in almost every situation. I have a hard time making friends; she walks into a room and is friends with everyone. I'm pretty non-confrontational and look for compromise; she's headstrong and is proud of never backing down. I like hanging out with one or two people; she has to hang out with a large group. And the list goes on. It can get pretty frustrating, but we're fine as long as we keep topics to surface stuff like movies and manga. Well, I'm fine. She talks about whatever whenever no matter who it may insult. haha
I have a cat named Vincent. He's about 4 months old. My roommate has a ferret named Pabu who is about 5 months old. They get along pretty well most of the time.
I think that's a good enough of an introduction. I may or may not post regularly, so I guess we'll see?
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