So my family isn't rich. In fact, I'd say altogether, we're barely scraping middle class. However, my dad manages to keep a good amount of money in savings, and he's willing to throw it at problems, especially since I don't think anyone in my family ever learned how to properly express affection to other people (but that's a blog pot for another time).
My dad is offering me a chance to move back with either him or Mom, live rent free, get a job down there, and maybe go back to the local community college. He'll pay for my rent on both of these places, so I actually have a chance to save up money and pay off my credit cards (which are all currently maxed out). Alternatively, if I find a full time job that I'd truly be interesting in and doesn't pay shit, he'll pay my current rent here and help me get set up wherever I have to move. And if I manage to find a full time job here, he'll still probably throw some money at me, since I told him I had to close my savings account and am taking out checking account advances every month (which one of my best friends says the bank will stop me from doing before too long).
So now starts the mass applying to jobs. I would really rather not move back home; it's tiny and full of super conservatives. Not to mention it would feel like a huge step back, but if that's where I find a good job, that's where I find a good job. I'd be stupid to not swallow my pride and accept the offer. I really don't want to stay here either, though. Since dropping out, I feel like this place has nothing left for me, and I just need to escape to a bigger area. I'm mostly wanting to go to a nearby city, and one day I'd like to run off to Seattle (but Christ that day is not this day; no way I'd have the money for it!).
One of the issues about staying here is figuring out where I'm going to live one this lease is up at the end of July. Carrie will be moving in with the friend she's spending a shit ton of time with. I don't really care, because I don't really like living with other people, and we knew I'd want to live alone again once this lease was up. However, now my option is to renew my lease at my old place or try to find a new place and put a deposit down on that. I really like my old place, but that lease begins a month and a half before this lease ends, so that's just more time I'd have to pay double rent, which will suck even more if I don't find a subleaser for it in the meantime (which I don't see happening).
And the issue about not finding a subleaser and renewing my lease is, why would I stay in this apartment? Why wouldn't I just go ahead and move back, and just give Carrie money every month for the rent?
The sucky thing is, I feel like no matter what happens, my relationship with Carrie is irreparable. I'll never be able to forget about her dropping the ball in my time of need, especially since I feel like I've bent over backward to help her out in her time of need. It's hard to bounce back from that.
Oh, and on top of all of this, my cushy military health insurance was taken away from me because I aged out, so now I have to get civilian health insurance, which is scary as shit. I finally signed up for it, but it doesn't start until March, so I have to wait until March before I can go back and see a therapist and get started back on anti-depressants.
And I've been single for a year and a half, the most recent dates I had went really well, but the dude just stopped texting me. And I'm still fucking in love with my ex. And I think my work-crush would rather get with Carrie than me, based on a few conversations.
So yeah, basically a million reasons why most people would feel shitty right about now, with my depression piled on top of it. Which is how we come around full circle to "this is the closest I've been to self-harm in four years." haha I've yet to find a suitable destructive outlet for the urge yet, so I suppose bitching on the Internet will have to do.
I guess I just really wish I hadn't gotten so used to relying on Carrie, so it wouldn't hurt so much when she failed to be here for me.
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