Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Break up-ish
So I think one of the best ways I've ever read someone describe the difference in getting over a breakup between the one who ends and the one who deals with the end is the idea of unpacking feelings. The one who ends it did all their unpacking slowly for a while and so they're ready to move on with life. The receiver has had no chance to unpack and thus is distraught and confused as to how their former partner can be over things already. That's how things are with me and him, and even though we haven't been dating for months, it's how I finally know we're over. Before, it was like he hadn't unpacked at all and we were both in the same boat. This time... He wasn't as sad as before. He didn't cry with me, he just tried to comfort me then moved on. And that's how I know it's real this time. He has unpacked everything. Now I'm truly alone, and I suppose that's okay.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Rape Culture
It's strange that there was a time in my life not too long ago in which I had no idea what "rape culture" was, much less how much it shaped my outlook on life. I used to be one of those feminist-hating-feminists that high schoolers typically think is a really awesome concept. I don't remember anyone ever actually telling me that feminists were bad or overly radical, it's just the sort of impression I got from society. I don't remember anyone specifically telling me girls who have too much sex are bad people, it was just what everyone "knew." I am, however, keenly aware of why I subscribed to the rape culture logic even while I was becoming more open and progressive, but that's probably a long and rage fueled enough story to be its own separate post eventually.
The main point of this is, I guess, rape culture sucks, and people who pretend it doesn't exist suck, and people who don't realize it exists (like my mother, I believe) need to be educated about it.
This kinda ties into part of my previous post where I said something to the effect of how I hate being female because I can't just go for a walk alone downtown at night. I used to live in a fairly rural community, so there was no reason for me to want to go walking around at night, so I guess I never really got those warnings women who grew up in more populated areas did. I mean, I still heard about the dangers and basically understood them, but I figured they were just a bunch of paranoid women, and I didn't want to identify with them; I still don't, really. But now I've moved to a more densely populated college town. Pretty soon after moving here with my roommate, I really got sick of either being in the apartment or being around her, but the second I suggested the idea of walking alone downtown, my roommate and my best friend flipped out. Under no circumstances was I to be by myself at night. I found the idea ridiculous, but I heeded their caution anyway. My roommate would occasionally talk about how there was no way she would walk around in our neighborhood at night, but I find her rather paranoid about most things, and this was no exception.
But then I started reading more feminist articles and books, and came in contact with more news reports and horror stories. I began understanding that the world was even less of a safe place than I considered it before, and that people who blamed rape victims for their assault were not as few and far in between as I had thought.
Then, there were two things that really drove home the prevalence of rape culture and how unsafe I was in my neighborhood in general.
I'm on OkCupid, which is a dating site on which you can write up and answer a bunch of questions in an attempt to find a match who has similar values as you. There is one question that really sticks out to me as one with an obvious, sane answer, but apparently not everyone gets it. The question is "If you were at a party with a person of the gender you like who is drunk and hitting on you, but you know would never normally have casual sex with you, would you take advantage of the situation?" or something like that. To me, the obvious answer is no. Of course you wouldn't take advantage of a person's inebriated state and have sex with them when you know they wouldn't do so sober. However, at least half the guys I was checking out who answered this question answered "yes" that they would in fact take advantage of that person. I cannot comprehend how someone can rationally think "this person would not normally have sex with me" and then feel it's perfectly fine to have sex with them! Don't they realize that's date rape? Needless to say, it made me very wary of going to parties of any sort, which is really fine since I'm not a big partier to begin with.
The second event that showed me how unsafe my neighborhood was occurred about a month ago. One of my car windows, along with the windows of about eight other cars, was smashed in as it sat in my apartment parking lot. I did not have anything expensive looking sitting out, and nothing was stolen. Someone simply decided to go around smashing in windows for the heck of it. While this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with rape culture, it was a wake up call that all the crime I read about in the news or see portrayed in various forms of media was real and immediate and I wasn't safe from it. It was a relatively small violation, since nothing was stolen and I wasn't there, but still a violation that definitely makes you feel more unsafe in general. It made me wonder what if I had been out there when that person or group of people was out looking to make trouble? I occasionally drove around at night, and sometimes I would work until 10 and maybe shop after work, and not get back until late. What would have happened to one lone female in such a situation? And I hate it. How often do guys worry about this? How often are they afraid to walk out to their car at night? How often do they wonder if they should wear certain clothes in certain areas at certain times because it might give people the wrong idea, it might make their assault justifiable?
And it goes on into a spiral of questioning and bitterness at the differences between genders, about all the men, and even women, who actually believe women with multiple partners or revealing clothing were "asking" to be raped, or all the men who don't realize taking advantage of a drunk woman is rape, all of the women who are too afraid of the judgement and isolation if they report their assault.
On top of all of this, I watched an episode of Dateline that discussed date rape drugs in which a reporter pretended to slip a woman at a bar a roofie after bragging about his intentions to some randomly chosen guys, and then getting high fived at the prospect! Even more disgusting was when the reporter left with the actress, came back alone, mentioned that the woman was passed out under the boardwalk, and a guy saying he "wouldn't mind sloppy seconds"! These are real people out there. Potential rapists who consider themselves to be decent, average people, who not only do nothing when they know a woman is going to be drugged, but encourage it and want a piece of the action.
I don't feel like I can empathize with humanity anymore. People need to be educated, they need to be told that their patterns of thinking about women and sex are just plain wrong. Women need to be able to feel safe walking the street at night. I just... I don't know. I can't handle all of these horrible things I'm learning. I almost miss my naivety.
Yes, I realize this post was highly hetero-centric, and my apologies but it was long enough as is, and adding all the other facets out there would make it twice as long. Maybe I'll talk about it in another post.
The main point of this is, I guess, rape culture sucks, and people who pretend it doesn't exist suck, and people who don't realize it exists (like my mother, I believe) need to be educated about it.
This kinda ties into part of my previous post where I said something to the effect of how I hate being female because I can't just go for a walk alone downtown at night. I used to live in a fairly rural community, so there was no reason for me to want to go walking around at night, so I guess I never really got those warnings women who grew up in more populated areas did. I mean, I still heard about the dangers and basically understood them, but I figured they were just a bunch of paranoid women, and I didn't want to identify with them; I still don't, really. But now I've moved to a more densely populated college town. Pretty soon after moving here with my roommate, I really got sick of either being in the apartment or being around her, but the second I suggested the idea of walking alone downtown, my roommate and my best friend flipped out. Under no circumstances was I to be by myself at night. I found the idea ridiculous, but I heeded their caution anyway. My roommate would occasionally talk about how there was no way she would walk around in our neighborhood at night, but I find her rather paranoid about most things, and this was no exception.
But then I started reading more feminist articles and books, and came in contact with more news reports and horror stories. I began understanding that the world was even less of a safe place than I considered it before, and that people who blamed rape victims for their assault were not as few and far in between as I had thought.
Then, there were two things that really drove home the prevalence of rape culture and how unsafe I was in my neighborhood in general.
I'm on OkCupid, which is a dating site on which you can write up and answer a bunch of questions in an attempt to find a match who has similar values as you. There is one question that really sticks out to me as one with an obvious, sane answer, but apparently not everyone gets it. The question is "If you were at a party with a person of the gender you like who is drunk and hitting on you, but you know would never normally have casual sex with you, would you take advantage of the situation?" or something like that. To me, the obvious answer is no. Of course you wouldn't take advantage of a person's inebriated state and have sex with them when you know they wouldn't do so sober. However, at least half the guys I was checking out who answered this question answered "yes" that they would in fact take advantage of that person. I cannot comprehend how someone can rationally think "this person would not normally have sex with me" and then feel it's perfectly fine to have sex with them! Don't they realize that's date rape? Needless to say, it made me very wary of going to parties of any sort, which is really fine since I'm not a big partier to begin with.
The second event that showed me how unsafe my neighborhood was occurred about a month ago. One of my car windows, along with the windows of about eight other cars, was smashed in as it sat in my apartment parking lot. I did not have anything expensive looking sitting out, and nothing was stolen. Someone simply decided to go around smashing in windows for the heck of it. While this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with rape culture, it was a wake up call that all the crime I read about in the news or see portrayed in various forms of media was real and immediate and I wasn't safe from it. It was a relatively small violation, since nothing was stolen and I wasn't there, but still a violation that definitely makes you feel more unsafe in general. It made me wonder what if I had been out there when that person or group of people was out looking to make trouble? I occasionally drove around at night, and sometimes I would work until 10 and maybe shop after work, and not get back until late. What would have happened to one lone female in such a situation? And I hate it. How often do guys worry about this? How often are they afraid to walk out to their car at night? How often do they wonder if they should wear certain clothes in certain areas at certain times because it might give people the wrong idea, it might make their assault justifiable?
And it goes on into a spiral of questioning and bitterness at the differences between genders, about all the men, and even women, who actually believe women with multiple partners or revealing clothing were "asking" to be raped, or all the men who don't realize taking advantage of a drunk woman is rape, all of the women who are too afraid of the judgement and isolation if they report their assault.
On top of all of this, I watched an episode of Dateline that discussed date rape drugs in which a reporter pretended to slip a woman at a bar a roofie after bragging about his intentions to some randomly chosen guys, and then getting high fived at the prospect! Even more disgusting was when the reporter left with the actress, came back alone, mentioned that the woman was passed out under the boardwalk, and a guy saying he "wouldn't mind sloppy seconds"! These are real people out there. Potential rapists who consider themselves to be decent, average people, who not only do nothing when they know a woman is going to be drugged, but encourage it and want a piece of the action.
I don't feel like I can empathize with humanity anymore. People need to be educated, they need to be told that their patterns of thinking about women and sex are just plain wrong. Women need to be able to feel safe walking the street at night. I just... I don't know. I can't handle all of these horrible things I'm learning. I almost miss my naivety.
Yes, I realize this post was highly hetero-centric, and my apologies but it was long enough as is, and adding all the other facets out there would make it twice as long. Maybe I'll talk about it in another post.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Random Update and Such
As much progress as I've made with my social issues, calling people on the phone still makes me anxious. Going in person and making the appointment is fine, but too inconvenient for me to do for most things. At least I don't have panic attacks any more.
I bring this up because I have a billion and two appointments to make, and I don't know how many I can actually make because insurance issues are stupid. You see, I have Tricare, which is amazing because I have virtually no medical bills to worry about, but gets more restrictive the farther away from a military post you get. In this case, there are plenty of doctors around here that accept Tricare, but the one time I actually tried to make an appointment, I had to get a referral from my Primary Care doctor, who is about two hours away. I could switch PCMs, but the nearest one to me is over an hour away, and driving to see them just to get referred to an OBGYN or some such just isn't reasonable for me to do. So the fact that I'm really not sure how that sort of thing is going to work out when I attempt to make a few doctor appointments really doesn't help my anxiety. I mean, I've had panic attacks after sputtering stupidly on the phone after trying to make an appointment when I didn't know some apparently basic information (it was my first time talking to a clinic off base). Thus, to avoid this, I'm going to have to trek to my university's hospital and head up to the fourth floor to talk to the people at the Student Health Center to see what exactly the bit of insurance I automatically get as a student will cover.
So what are the appointments I need to make? Well, I'm past due for my PapSmear (which I know everyone loves to be informed about), and I'm having some lady issues I'd like to get checked out, so there's that. Of course, if all else fails, I can just head to Planned Parenthood like I did last time I needed my lady bits examined. However, Tricare doesn't pay for such things, so that's all out of my pocket. I've also been having some worrying chest pains, especially after I physically exert myself, and this is something I'm really concerned about as far as being able to see a doctor goes since last time I wanted to get checked out, I had to go to my primary care just for him to set up an appointment with a cardiologist. I guess we'll see how that goes. I also have to make an appointment for my poor cat. I've needed to get him an appointment since June, but lack of money and time on top of the chaos of moving has made me put it off for far too long. Unfortunately, only one vet in the area accepts the Care Credit card I got during his first appointment, so unless I want to pay all expenses up front (which I don't since I'd like to get him neutered soon), I really can't research different clinics and make a choice that's best for him. The final appointment, I've actually already made, after putting it off forever. I'm finally going back to therapy to help manage my anxiety and depression. I've come a long way since I first realized I had issues, and sometimes I think I don't need help any more, that I somehow managed to deal with it all on my own, and then some combination of minor issues comes up, and I'm back to feeling worthless and hopeless. Fortunately, the appointment is paid for with my tuition, so I don't have to worry about insurance complications or copays or anything.
I'll have so much to discuss with my new therapist. My anger over being female, thus not able to do something simple like walk around downtown alone at night, and similarly, my confusion with my gender identity. Most days I feel solidly female, but sometimes I feel out of place in my sex, as though someone's going to call me out and say "You can put your hair up nicely, you can wear feminine clothes and makeup and all the jewelry you want, but you're not fooling anyone; you don't belong!"
Then there's my sort-of-ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me basically only because of the distance. I'm sure that if we were living in the same town and were able to see each other regularly, he would have been happier in the relationship. But we don't do the "break up" thing very well. We still say "I love you." We still go out of our way to talk to and see each other, and talk about buying each other presents. We still fuck and cuddle with the same passion and intimacy as we did before. We're together in all but title. And I feel horrible, but part of me hopes he doesn't get into a good grad school like he wants, and instead goes to my school so we can be together again. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him. I agree that it's a stupid idea. Still, I'm no longer actively trying to get in a relationship or really desiring one with anyone else until I know for sure where he'll be going. I almost dread that time, because in the likely event that he doesn't go to my school, we'll have to face the reality that our current blissful state will end. It will be like breaking up all over again.
And I'm not sure I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't think he's the appropriate person to discuss it with, though I have no idea who is, but I feel like in my academic career I will constantly have to choose one major over the other, and I'll more than likely regularly choose psychology. I feel like I'm betraying biology or showing that I'm not really serious about it, just another psych major who doesn't want all the hard work and technicalities of a hard science major, but I don't know what else to do, the psychology options just tend to interest me more. Here, very little extracurricular biology seems to be focused on humans outside of medical school, which I have no intention of attending. I try to find a good balance, but it feels like if I choose psychology, I'm choosing the easy route, but if I choose biology, I'm getting too far away from my actual interests and career goals. I wish I had some sort of mentor, but it's hard to even google someone who is researching the neurological functions behind gender and sexuality, much less find someone on campus I could talk to and connect with.
Then there's the fact that this whole blog post is just a distraction from the homework I really should be working on. I start out so determined to make A's in all of my classes, but the further I get into some of my classes, the more unlikely it seems. Even now that I have less hours at work, thus more time to study, I spend most of that time goofing off on the Internet, reading comics, or talking to people rather than do homework or study. I'm finally getting my health in gear (dropped 20 pounds so far), my mental and emotional health are better than they have been since puberty, and here I am still unable to get my ass in gear for school, when I'll most likely need at least a 3.5 on top of research experience to even be considered for good graduate schools.
But is my current plan what I even want to do? Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and edit and write stories forever. I don't know. It's hard to tell what part of me actually wants to do something and what part is just trying to figure out what's practical and what's considered more challenging and/or "respectable." I know it's one of the reasons I added my biology major; I got tired of people I couldn't respect academically at all getting into psychology; I didn't want to be lumped in with them, just as I don't want to be lumped in with a lot of people who are going for creative writing or similar degrees.
I wish I didn't have to work. I feel everything would just be so much easier if I didn't have that extra thing to worry about. I'm lucky enough, though. My dad bought me a new car, pays for the insurance, and now started paying my rent. It's not as good as some people get it, but better than my roommate, even though her parents are better off.
I don't know. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I still think I have a lot more to say, but this is quite long enough for now, and I should probably get back to homework and studying, and maybe taking a nap before class starts at nine.
I bring this up because I have a billion and two appointments to make, and I don't know how many I can actually make because insurance issues are stupid. You see, I have Tricare, which is amazing because I have virtually no medical bills to worry about, but gets more restrictive the farther away from a military post you get. In this case, there are plenty of doctors around here that accept Tricare, but the one time I actually tried to make an appointment, I had to get a referral from my Primary Care doctor, who is about two hours away. I could switch PCMs, but the nearest one to me is over an hour away, and driving to see them just to get referred to an OBGYN or some such just isn't reasonable for me to do. So the fact that I'm really not sure how that sort of thing is going to work out when I attempt to make a few doctor appointments really doesn't help my anxiety. I mean, I've had panic attacks after sputtering stupidly on the phone after trying to make an appointment when I didn't know some apparently basic information (it was my first time talking to a clinic off base). Thus, to avoid this, I'm going to have to trek to my university's hospital and head up to the fourth floor to talk to the people at the Student Health Center to see what exactly the bit of insurance I automatically get as a student will cover.
So what are the appointments I need to make? Well, I'm past due for my PapSmear (which I know everyone loves to be informed about), and I'm having some lady issues I'd like to get checked out, so there's that. Of course, if all else fails, I can just head to Planned Parenthood like I did last time I needed my lady bits examined. However, Tricare doesn't pay for such things, so that's all out of my pocket. I've also been having some worrying chest pains, especially after I physically exert myself, and this is something I'm really concerned about as far as being able to see a doctor goes since last time I wanted to get checked out, I had to go to my primary care just for him to set up an appointment with a cardiologist. I guess we'll see how that goes. I also have to make an appointment for my poor cat. I've needed to get him an appointment since June, but lack of money and time on top of the chaos of moving has made me put it off for far too long. Unfortunately, only one vet in the area accepts the Care Credit card I got during his first appointment, so unless I want to pay all expenses up front (which I don't since I'd like to get him neutered soon), I really can't research different clinics and make a choice that's best for him. The final appointment, I've actually already made, after putting it off forever. I'm finally going back to therapy to help manage my anxiety and depression. I've come a long way since I first realized I had issues, and sometimes I think I don't need help any more, that I somehow managed to deal with it all on my own, and then some combination of minor issues comes up, and I'm back to feeling worthless and hopeless. Fortunately, the appointment is paid for with my tuition, so I don't have to worry about insurance complications or copays or anything.
I'll have so much to discuss with my new therapist. My anger over being female, thus not able to do something simple like walk around downtown alone at night, and similarly, my confusion with my gender identity. Most days I feel solidly female, but sometimes I feel out of place in my sex, as though someone's going to call me out and say "You can put your hair up nicely, you can wear feminine clothes and makeup and all the jewelry you want, but you're not fooling anyone; you don't belong!"
Then there's my sort-of-ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me basically only because of the distance. I'm sure that if we were living in the same town and were able to see each other regularly, he would have been happier in the relationship. But we don't do the "break up" thing very well. We still say "I love you." We still go out of our way to talk to and see each other, and talk about buying each other presents. We still fuck and cuddle with the same passion and intimacy as we did before. We're together in all but title. And I feel horrible, but part of me hopes he doesn't get into a good grad school like he wants, and instead goes to my school so we can be together again. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him. I agree that it's a stupid idea. Still, I'm no longer actively trying to get in a relationship or really desiring one with anyone else until I know for sure where he'll be going. I almost dread that time, because in the likely event that he doesn't go to my school, we'll have to face the reality that our current blissful state will end. It will be like breaking up all over again.
And I'm not sure I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't think he's the appropriate person to discuss it with, though I have no idea who is, but I feel like in my academic career I will constantly have to choose one major over the other, and I'll more than likely regularly choose psychology. I feel like I'm betraying biology or showing that I'm not really serious about it, just another psych major who doesn't want all the hard work and technicalities of a hard science major, but I don't know what else to do, the psychology options just tend to interest me more. Here, very little extracurricular biology seems to be focused on humans outside of medical school, which I have no intention of attending. I try to find a good balance, but it feels like if I choose psychology, I'm choosing the easy route, but if I choose biology, I'm getting too far away from my actual interests and career goals. I wish I had some sort of mentor, but it's hard to even google someone who is researching the neurological functions behind gender and sexuality, much less find someone on campus I could talk to and connect with.
Then there's the fact that this whole blog post is just a distraction from the homework I really should be working on. I start out so determined to make A's in all of my classes, but the further I get into some of my classes, the more unlikely it seems. Even now that I have less hours at work, thus more time to study, I spend most of that time goofing off on the Internet, reading comics, or talking to people rather than do homework or study. I'm finally getting my health in gear (dropped 20 pounds so far), my mental and emotional health are better than they have been since puberty, and here I am still unable to get my ass in gear for school, when I'll most likely need at least a 3.5 on top of research experience to even be considered for good graduate schools.
But is my current plan what I even want to do? Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and edit and write stories forever. I don't know. It's hard to tell what part of me actually wants to do something and what part is just trying to figure out what's practical and what's considered more challenging and/or "respectable." I know it's one of the reasons I added my biology major; I got tired of people I couldn't respect academically at all getting into psychology; I didn't want to be lumped in with them, just as I don't want to be lumped in with a lot of people who are going for creative writing or similar degrees.
I wish I didn't have to work. I feel everything would just be so much easier if I didn't have that extra thing to worry about. I'm lucky enough, though. My dad bought me a new car, pays for the insurance, and now started paying my rent. It's not as good as some people get it, but better than my roommate, even though her parents are better off.
I don't know. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I still think I have a lot more to say, but this is quite long enough for now, and I should probably get back to homework and studying, and maybe taking a nap before class starts at nine.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Visits and new blogs
One of my friends is visiting tomorrow and staying the night, so I'm pretty excited! =) We've been friends for like six years, and we hardly ever get to see each other, so it's pretty awesome. Mizzou is showing The Hunger Games for free tomorrow night, and we're going to go see it with my roommate and a coworker or two. Can't wait! =D
Also, I'm thinking of starting another blog for each of the stories I'm working on, and making a dedication to post something new for at least one of 'em each day. Hm...
I'm worried about a couple things, though. For one, I edit my stuff a lot. I typically don't have a clear cut idea as to everything that will happen in a story, so sometimes I'll get a great idea later down the road, and I'll have to go back and change some stuff in the beginning. Also I'm lazy and don't research 100% as I'm writing for the "filler" sort of details, so I wouldn't always be posting finished chapters. I'm also worried about copyrights. I'm afraid someone else will take my ideas and through some loophole be able to publish them. Murdering might ensue, and I don't want to go to jail. haha
I guess we'll see what happens?
Also, I'm thinking of starting another blog for each of the stories I'm working on, and making a dedication to post something new for at least one of 'em each day. Hm...
I'm worried about a couple things, though. For one, I edit my stuff a lot. I typically don't have a clear cut idea as to everything that will happen in a story, so sometimes I'll get a great idea later down the road, and I'll have to go back and change some stuff in the beginning. Also I'm lazy and don't research 100% as I'm writing for the "filler" sort of details, so I wouldn't always be posting finished chapters. I'm also worried about copyrights. I'm afraid someone else will take my ideas and through some loophole be able to publish them. Murdering might ensue, and I don't want to go to jail. haha
I guess we'll see what happens?
Friday, July 13, 2012
Cute Coworker and Doctor Who
I think I'm going to make a few posts about things that have happened recently, instead of shoving them all into one post, so I'm going to start with the one that's on my mind now.
As I mentioned in my intro, I have a crush on a cute coworker. Last night, he came over after I got off work so we could watch Doctor Who. I had prepped dinner before leaving for work (nothing fancy, just a cheap Mexican-esque dish) and my roommate (who got off an hour and a half before me) popped it in the oven when she got home, so it was ready by the time I got home.
I had cleaned a bit in the morning (almost arrived late for work trying to do everything), so I only had to set up the TV in the living room when I got back. I kind of get anxious and go into full blown hostess mode when someone is coming over for the first time (and second, and third, depending on the situation) thanks to my mom always doing that when my friends came over, so I was picking up random pieces of trash and kinda straightening the area as best I could while waiting for him to come over. He felt bad for "eating all my food" as he put it, so he brought over ice cream as a contribution to the dinner. I've been trying to lose weight, but bringing dessert was the only thing he could think of (and I didn't want to make him pay more and buy frozen yogurt or something) so I just had two small scoops when it came time.
We only had time to watch three episodes since he has to work today, so I showed him Blink and the pair of Silence in the Library episodes. I think we'll start on season one next time. I was originally planning to start him on the 11th Doctor, but I gathered from some of our conversations that he'd prefer to start from the beginning. (The few episodes I showed him were just to get him hooked. haha)
My roommate was a little rude, in my opinion, while we were watching the first episode (I think she went to bed before starting the second). She knew he was coming over to watch Doctor Who, and I have no problem with her watching with us or sitting in the living room on her laptop, but for the first few minutes, she was watching a show on her laptop with no headphones. (I kind of wish she would have offered to let us sit on her futon since it was directly in front of the TV (there was no good place to put the TV directly in front of mine), but it's her futon, so I can't really fault her for it.) Then she kept talking during the episode, about how she reacted when she first watched it, or how freaky something was, or even just talking about something on her computer. Occasionally she would loudly exclaim about my cat bugging her (he was being quite the ass last night), when to me a simple no or a shove would have sufficed. Unfortunately, she's kinda headstrong to the point that I'm pretty sure if I pointed out how she was being kind of rude, she would have just shrugged it off because it's her living room, too. I dunno, it's just differences in how we were raised, I guess.
As I mentioned, my cat was being a butt. He was all "Oh! Look at this new person! I want to play with his shoes! Let me smell his face! I want to cuddle then bite him! I want to stare at him while he eats and try to grab a bite!" and when I would try to restrain him, he would just bite the crap out of my hands. My roommate's ferret was pretty curious/annoying too (kept trying to crawl up his pants leg), but she could put her ferret in her cage when she was being too much trouble. I could have shut Vincent in the bathroom, but I would have felt bad, and he would have yowled loudly enough to distract from the show anyway.
As I said, my coworker had to leave after three episodes, and as I was showing him out, he said how much he enjoyed them, and that he wanted to watch more, etc. We were saying goodbye's at the door, and I thought he was about to open the door and leave, since he was looking nervously at my cat, who seemed ready to pounce out the door, so I picked Vincent up. However, we talked a bit more, and there was a moment that he seemed kind of awkward and hesitant about leaving. I have come up with a list of possible reasons why:
1. He was unsure how to really say goodbye with finality.
2. He had something to say, then forgot.
3. He wanted to hug me, but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
4. He wanted to kiss me (*brain explodes from joy*), but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
5. There was no actual hesitation/awkwardness, and I just made the whole thing up.
I ended up having a dream last night that #4 was correct, so that makes three dreams I've had in which we've made out. haha
I'm really thinking about asking him on a date, but I'm not sure. I'm not so much afraid of potential rejection as I am potential awkwardness after a rejection. What if he finds it weird to work with me after that? What if he doesn't want to watch Doctor Who with me anymore after that? I definitely don't want to put an obstacle in front of someone's ability to become obsessed with DW. I'm kind of considering showing up at work when I know he's working (he told me last night after I told him I was off today) and asking him then, that way we have the weekend (since he very rarely works the weekend) to get over the awkwardness of a rejection and be fine by Monday if we work together then. I think I'll talk to a friend or two and get their opinion. And, you know, also figure out specifics for a potential date. haha
Man, it's a good thing I decided to post happenings separately! I rambled on quite a bit about this. haha
See yeh next post. =P
As I mentioned in my intro, I have a crush on a cute coworker. Last night, he came over after I got off work so we could watch Doctor Who. I had prepped dinner before leaving for work (nothing fancy, just a cheap Mexican-esque dish) and my roommate (who got off an hour and a half before me) popped it in the oven when she got home, so it was ready by the time I got home.
I had cleaned a bit in the morning (almost arrived late for work trying to do everything), so I only had to set up the TV in the living room when I got back. I kind of get anxious and go into full blown hostess mode when someone is coming over for the first time (and second, and third, depending on the situation) thanks to my mom always doing that when my friends came over, so I was picking up random pieces of trash and kinda straightening the area as best I could while waiting for him to come over. He felt bad for "eating all my food" as he put it, so he brought over ice cream as a contribution to the dinner. I've been trying to lose weight, but bringing dessert was the only thing he could think of (and I didn't want to make him pay more and buy frozen yogurt or something) so I just had two small scoops when it came time.
We only had time to watch three episodes since he has to work today, so I showed him Blink and the pair of Silence in the Library episodes. I think we'll start on season one next time. I was originally planning to start him on the 11th Doctor, but I gathered from some of our conversations that he'd prefer to start from the beginning. (The few episodes I showed him were just to get him hooked. haha)
My roommate was a little rude, in my opinion, while we were watching the first episode (I think she went to bed before starting the second). She knew he was coming over to watch Doctor Who, and I have no problem with her watching with us or sitting in the living room on her laptop, but for the first few minutes, she was watching a show on her laptop with no headphones. (I kind of wish she would have offered to let us sit on her futon since it was directly in front of the TV (there was no good place to put the TV directly in front of mine), but it's her futon, so I can't really fault her for it.) Then she kept talking during the episode, about how she reacted when she first watched it, or how freaky something was, or even just talking about something on her computer. Occasionally she would loudly exclaim about my cat bugging her (he was being quite the ass last night), when to me a simple no or a shove would have sufficed. Unfortunately, she's kinda headstrong to the point that I'm pretty sure if I pointed out how she was being kind of rude, she would have just shrugged it off because it's her living room, too. I dunno, it's just differences in how we were raised, I guess.
As I mentioned, my cat was being a butt. He was all "Oh! Look at this new person! I want to play with his shoes! Let me smell his face! I want to cuddle then bite him! I want to stare at him while he eats and try to grab a bite!" and when I would try to restrain him, he would just bite the crap out of my hands. My roommate's ferret was pretty curious/annoying too (kept trying to crawl up his pants leg), but she could put her ferret in her cage when she was being too much trouble. I could have shut Vincent in the bathroom, but I would have felt bad, and he would have yowled loudly enough to distract from the show anyway.
As I said, my coworker had to leave after three episodes, and as I was showing him out, he said how much he enjoyed them, and that he wanted to watch more, etc. We were saying goodbye's at the door, and I thought he was about to open the door and leave, since he was looking nervously at my cat, who seemed ready to pounce out the door, so I picked Vincent up. However, we talked a bit more, and there was a moment that he seemed kind of awkward and hesitant about leaving. I have come up with a list of possible reasons why:
1. He was unsure how to really say goodbye with finality.
2. He had something to say, then forgot.
3. He wanted to hug me, but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
4. He wanted to kiss me (*brain explodes from joy*), but wasn't sure it was appropriate/I had a cat in my arms.
5. There was no actual hesitation/awkwardness, and I just made the whole thing up.
I ended up having a dream last night that #4 was correct, so that makes three dreams I've had in which we've made out. haha
I'm really thinking about asking him on a date, but I'm not sure. I'm not so much afraid of potential rejection as I am potential awkwardness after a rejection. What if he finds it weird to work with me after that? What if he doesn't want to watch Doctor Who with me anymore after that? I definitely don't want to put an obstacle in front of someone's ability to become obsessed with DW. I'm kind of considering showing up at work when I know he's working (he told me last night after I told him I was off today) and asking him then, that way we have the weekend (since he very rarely works the weekend) to get over the awkwardness of a rejection and be fine by Monday if we work together then. I think I'll talk to a friend or two and get their opinion. And, you know, also figure out specifics for a potential date. haha
Man, it's a good thing I decided to post happenings separately! I rambled on quite a bit about this. haha
See yeh next post. =P
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Introduction?
Hey! My name's Jackie. I'm a pansexual, atheist, childfree, liberal, cross dressing female. I'm about to begin my first semester at Mizzou for a double major in Psychology and Biology (haven't got the Biology bit official yet), and since I transferred some credits from a community college, I'll be a sophomore-ish. I plan on doing research on neurological reasons behind gender differences, sex, and sexuality, and in order to do that, I have to go to school forever, since I need at least a PhD. I also want to major in everything. My current idea for minors are Religious Studies and Women's and Gender Studies because why not. haha
I'm currently single, but have my eye on a coworker who is probably way out of my league. He has a Master's from Duke. Yes, Duke. But I'm still checking out other people (yay online dating!) and hope to find more guys and girls to hit on once school starts up.
I'm currently living with a friend and coworker. We lived in the same tiny town before moving up here for college. Before moving in with her, I lived alone for about a year. I miss it terribly.
My roommate is a pretty cool person, but she is almost the polar opposite of me. I'm pretty chunky and have a hard time losing weight; she's thin and struggles to gain weight. I feel like I missed the memo on how to interact normally in society; she's confident and knows what to say in almost every situation. I have a hard time making friends; she walks into a room and is friends with everyone. I'm pretty non-confrontational and look for compromise; she's headstrong and is proud of never backing down. I like hanging out with one or two people; she has to hang out with a large group. And the list goes on. It can get pretty frustrating, but we're fine as long as we keep topics to surface stuff like movies and manga. Well, I'm fine. She talks about whatever whenever no matter who it may insult. haha
I have a cat named Vincent. He's about 4 months old. My roommate has a ferret named Pabu who is about 5 months old. They get along pretty well most of the time.
I think that's a good enough of an introduction. I may or may not post regularly, so I guess we'll see?
I'm currently single, but have my eye on a coworker who is probably way out of my league. He has a Master's from Duke. Yes, Duke. But I'm still checking out other people (yay online dating!) and hope to find more guys and girls to hit on once school starts up.
I'm currently living with a friend and coworker. We lived in the same tiny town before moving up here for college. Before moving in with her, I lived alone for about a year. I miss it terribly.
My roommate is a pretty cool person, but she is almost the polar opposite of me. I'm pretty chunky and have a hard time losing weight; she's thin and struggles to gain weight. I feel like I missed the memo on how to interact normally in society; she's confident and knows what to say in almost every situation. I have a hard time making friends; she walks into a room and is friends with everyone. I'm pretty non-confrontational and look for compromise; she's headstrong and is proud of never backing down. I like hanging out with one or two people; she has to hang out with a large group. And the list goes on. It can get pretty frustrating, but we're fine as long as we keep topics to surface stuff like movies and manga. Well, I'm fine. She talks about whatever whenever no matter who it may insult. haha
I have a cat named Vincent. He's about 4 months old. My roommate has a ferret named Pabu who is about 5 months old. They get along pretty well most of the time.
I think that's a good enough of an introduction. I may or may not post regularly, so I guess we'll see?
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