It's strange that there was a time in my life not too long ago in which I had no idea what "rape culture" was, much less how much it shaped my outlook on life. I used to be one of those feminist-hating-feminists that high schoolers typically think is a really awesome concept. I don't remember anyone ever actually telling me that feminists were bad or overly radical, it's just the sort of impression I got from society. I don't remember anyone specifically telling me girls who have too much sex are bad people, it was just what everyone "knew." I am, however, keenly aware of why I subscribed to the rape culture logic even while I was becoming more open and progressive, but that's probably a long and rage fueled enough story to be its own separate post eventually.
The main point of this is, I guess, rape culture sucks, and people who pretend it doesn't exist suck, and people who don't realize it exists (like my mother, I believe) need to be educated about it.
This kinda ties into part of my previous post where I said something to the effect of how I hate being female because I can't just go for a walk alone downtown at night. I used to live in a fairly rural community, so there was no reason for me to want to go walking around at night, so I guess I never really got those warnings women who grew up in more populated areas did. I mean, I still heard about the dangers and basically understood them, but I figured they were just a bunch of paranoid women, and I didn't want to identify with them; I still don't, really. But now I've moved to a more densely populated college town. Pretty soon after moving here with my roommate, I really got sick of either being in the apartment or being around her, but the second I suggested the idea of walking alone downtown, my roommate and my best friend flipped out. Under no circumstances was I to be by myself at night. I found the idea ridiculous, but I heeded their caution anyway. My roommate would occasionally talk about how there was no way she would walk around in our neighborhood at night, but I find her rather paranoid about most things, and this was no exception.
But then I started reading more feminist articles and books, and came in contact with more news reports and horror stories. I began understanding that the world was even less of a safe place than I considered it before, and that people who blamed rape victims for their assault were not as few and far in between as I had thought.
Then, there were two things that really drove home the prevalence of rape culture and how unsafe I was in my neighborhood in general.
I'm on OkCupid, which is a dating site on which you can write up and answer a bunch of questions in an attempt to find a match who has similar values as you. There is one question that really sticks out to me as one with an obvious, sane answer, but apparently not everyone gets it. The question is "If you were at a party with a person of the gender you like who is drunk and hitting on you, but you know would never normally have casual sex with you, would you take advantage of the situation?" or something like that. To me, the obvious answer is no. Of course you wouldn't take advantage of a person's inebriated state and have sex with them when you know they wouldn't do so sober. However, at least half the guys I was checking out who answered this question answered "yes" that they would in fact take advantage of that person. I cannot comprehend how someone can rationally think "this person would not normally have sex with me" and then feel it's perfectly fine to have sex with them! Don't they realize that's date rape? Needless to say, it made me very wary of going to parties of any sort, which is really fine since I'm not a big partier to begin with.
The second event that showed me how unsafe my neighborhood was occurred about a month ago. One of my car windows, along with the windows of about eight other cars, was smashed in as it sat in my apartment parking lot. I did not have anything expensive looking sitting out, and nothing was stolen. Someone simply decided to go around smashing in windows for the heck of it. While this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with rape culture, it was a wake up call that all the crime I read about in the news or see portrayed in various forms of media was real and immediate and I wasn't safe from it. It was a relatively small violation, since nothing was stolen and I wasn't there, but still a violation that definitely makes you feel more unsafe in general. It made me wonder what if I had been out there when that person or group of people was out looking to make trouble? I occasionally drove around at night, and sometimes I would work until 10 and maybe shop after work, and not get back until late. What would have happened to one lone female in such a situation? And I hate it. How often do guys worry about this? How often are they afraid to walk out to their car at night? How often do they wonder if they should wear certain clothes in certain areas at certain times because it might give people the wrong idea, it might make their assault justifiable?
And it goes on into a spiral of questioning and bitterness at the differences between genders, about all the men, and even women, who actually believe women with multiple partners or revealing clothing were "asking" to be raped, or all the men who don't realize taking advantage of a drunk woman is rape, all of the women who are too afraid of the judgement and isolation if they report their assault.
On top of all of this, I watched an episode of Dateline that discussed date rape drugs in which a reporter pretended to slip a woman at a bar a roofie after bragging about his intentions to some randomly chosen guys, and then getting high fived at the prospect! Even more disgusting was when the reporter left with the actress, came back alone, mentioned that the woman was passed out under the boardwalk, and a guy saying he "wouldn't mind sloppy seconds"! These are real people out there. Potential rapists who consider themselves to be decent, average people, who not only do nothing when they know a woman is going to be drugged, but encourage it and want a piece of the action.
I don't feel like I can empathize with humanity anymore. People need to be educated, they need to be told that their patterns of thinking about women and sex are just plain wrong. Women need to be able to feel safe walking the street at night. I just... I don't know. I can't handle all of these horrible things I'm learning. I almost miss my naivety.
Yes, I realize this post was highly hetero-centric, and my apologies but it was long enough as is, and adding all the other facets out there would make it twice as long. Maybe I'll talk about it in another post.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Random Update and Such
As much progress as I've made with my social issues, calling people on the phone still makes me anxious. Going in person and making the appointment is fine, but too inconvenient for me to do for most things. At least I don't have panic attacks any more.
I bring this up because I have a billion and two appointments to make, and I don't know how many I can actually make because insurance issues are stupid. You see, I have Tricare, which is amazing because I have virtually no medical bills to worry about, but gets more restrictive the farther away from a military post you get. In this case, there are plenty of doctors around here that accept Tricare, but the one time I actually tried to make an appointment, I had to get a referral from my Primary Care doctor, who is about two hours away. I could switch PCMs, but the nearest one to me is over an hour away, and driving to see them just to get referred to an OBGYN or some such just isn't reasonable for me to do. So the fact that I'm really not sure how that sort of thing is going to work out when I attempt to make a few doctor appointments really doesn't help my anxiety. I mean, I've had panic attacks after sputtering stupidly on the phone after trying to make an appointment when I didn't know some apparently basic information (it was my first time talking to a clinic off base). Thus, to avoid this, I'm going to have to trek to my university's hospital and head up to the fourth floor to talk to the people at the Student Health Center to see what exactly the bit of insurance I automatically get as a student will cover.
So what are the appointments I need to make? Well, I'm past due for my PapSmear (which I know everyone loves to be informed about), and I'm having some lady issues I'd like to get checked out, so there's that. Of course, if all else fails, I can just head to Planned Parenthood like I did last time I needed my lady bits examined. However, Tricare doesn't pay for such things, so that's all out of my pocket. I've also been having some worrying chest pains, especially after I physically exert myself, and this is something I'm really concerned about as far as being able to see a doctor goes since last time I wanted to get checked out, I had to go to my primary care just for him to set up an appointment with a cardiologist. I guess we'll see how that goes. I also have to make an appointment for my poor cat. I've needed to get him an appointment since June, but lack of money and time on top of the chaos of moving has made me put it off for far too long. Unfortunately, only one vet in the area accepts the Care Credit card I got during his first appointment, so unless I want to pay all expenses up front (which I don't since I'd like to get him neutered soon), I really can't research different clinics and make a choice that's best for him. The final appointment, I've actually already made, after putting it off forever. I'm finally going back to therapy to help manage my anxiety and depression. I've come a long way since I first realized I had issues, and sometimes I think I don't need help any more, that I somehow managed to deal with it all on my own, and then some combination of minor issues comes up, and I'm back to feeling worthless and hopeless. Fortunately, the appointment is paid for with my tuition, so I don't have to worry about insurance complications or copays or anything.
I'll have so much to discuss with my new therapist. My anger over being female, thus not able to do something simple like walk around downtown alone at night, and similarly, my confusion with my gender identity. Most days I feel solidly female, but sometimes I feel out of place in my sex, as though someone's going to call me out and say "You can put your hair up nicely, you can wear feminine clothes and makeup and all the jewelry you want, but you're not fooling anyone; you don't belong!"
Then there's my sort-of-ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me basically only because of the distance. I'm sure that if we were living in the same town and were able to see each other regularly, he would have been happier in the relationship. But we don't do the "break up" thing very well. We still say "I love you." We still go out of our way to talk to and see each other, and talk about buying each other presents. We still fuck and cuddle with the same passion and intimacy as we did before. We're together in all but title. And I feel horrible, but part of me hopes he doesn't get into a good grad school like he wants, and instead goes to my school so we can be together again. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him. I agree that it's a stupid idea. Still, I'm no longer actively trying to get in a relationship or really desiring one with anyone else until I know for sure where he'll be going. I almost dread that time, because in the likely event that he doesn't go to my school, we'll have to face the reality that our current blissful state will end. It will be like breaking up all over again.
And I'm not sure I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't think he's the appropriate person to discuss it with, though I have no idea who is, but I feel like in my academic career I will constantly have to choose one major over the other, and I'll more than likely regularly choose psychology. I feel like I'm betraying biology or showing that I'm not really serious about it, just another psych major who doesn't want all the hard work and technicalities of a hard science major, but I don't know what else to do, the psychology options just tend to interest me more. Here, very little extracurricular biology seems to be focused on humans outside of medical school, which I have no intention of attending. I try to find a good balance, but it feels like if I choose psychology, I'm choosing the easy route, but if I choose biology, I'm getting too far away from my actual interests and career goals. I wish I had some sort of mentor, but it's hard to even google someone who is researching the neurological functions behind gender and sexuality, much less find someone on campus I could talk to and connect with.
Then there's the fact that this whole blog post is just a distraction from the homework I really should be working on. I start out so determined to make A's in all of my classes, but the further I get into some of my classes, the more unlikely it seems. Even now that I have less hours at work, thus more time to study, I spend most of that time goofing off on the Internet, reading comics, or talking to people rather than do homework or study. I'm finally getting my health in gear (dropped 20 pounds so far), my mental and emotional health are better than they have been since puberty, and here I am still unable to get my ass in gear for school, when I'll most likely need at least a 3.5 on top of research experience to even be considered for good graduate schools.
But is my current plan what I even want to do? Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and edit and write stories forever. I don't know. It's hard to tell what part of me actually wants to do something and what part is just trying to figure out what's practical and what's considered more challenging and/or "respectable." I know it's one of the reasons I added my biology major; I got tired of people I couldn't respect academically at all getting into psychology; I didn't want to be lumped in with them, just as I don't want to be lumped in with a lot of people who are going for creative writing or similar degrees.
I wish I didn't have to work. I feel everything would just be so much easier if I didn't have that extra thing to worry about. I'm lucky enough, though. My dad bought me a new car, pays for the insurance, and now started paying my rent. It's not as good as some people get it, but better than my roommate, even though her parents are better off.
I don't know. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I still think I have a lot more to say, but this is quite long enough for now, and I should probably get back to homework and studying, and maybe taking a nap before class starts at nine.
I bring this up because I have a billion and two appointments to make, and I don't know how many I can actually make because insurance issues are stupid. You see, I have Tricare, which is amazing because I have virtually no medical bills to worry about, but gets more restrictive the farther away from a military post you get. In this case, there are plenty of doctors around here that accept Tricare, but the one time I actually tried to make an appointment, I had to get a referral from my Primary Care doctor, who is about two hours away. I could switch PCMs, but the nearest one to me is over an hour away, and driving to see them just to get referred to an OBGYN or some such just isn't reasonable for me to do. So the fact that I'm really not sure how that sort of thing is going to work out when I attempt to make a few doctor appointments really doesn't help my anxiety. I mean, I've had panic attacks after sputtering stupidly on the phone after trying to make an appointment when I didn't know some apparently basic information (it was my first time talking to a clinic off base). Thus, to avoid this, I'm going to have to trek to my university's hospital and head up to the fourth floor to talk to the people at the Student Health Center to see what exactly the bit of insurance I automatically get as a student will cover.
So what are the appointments I need to make? Well, I'm past due for my PapSmear (which I know everyone loves to be informed about), and I'm having some lady issues I'd like to get checked out, so there's that. Of course, if all else fails, I can just head to Planned Parenthood like I did last time I needed my lady bits examined. However, Tricare doesn't pay for such things, so that's all out of my pocket. I've also been having some worrying chest pains, especially after I physically exert myself, and this is something I'm really concerned about as far as being able to see a doctor goes since last time I wanted to get checked out, I had to go to my primary care just for him to set up an appointment with a cardiologist. I guess we'll see how that goes. I also have to make an appointment for my poor cat. I've needed to get him an appointment since June, but lack of money and time on top of the chaos of moving has made me put it off for far too long. Unfortunately, only one vet in the area accepts the Care Credit card I got during his first appointment, so unless I want to pay all expenses up front (which I don't since I'd like to get him neutered soon), I really can't research different clinics and make a choice that's best for him. The final appointment, I've actually already made, after putting it off forever. I'm finally going back to therapy to help manage my anxiety and depression. I've come a long way since I first realized I had issues, and sometimes I think I don't need help any more, that I somehow managed to deal with it all on my own, and then some combination of minor issues comes up, and I'm back to feeling worthless and hopeless. Fortunately, the appointment is paid for with my tuition, so I don't have to worry about insurance complications or copays or anything.
I'll have so much to discuss with my new therapist. My anger over being female, thus not able to do something simple like walk around downtown alone at night, and similarly, my confusion with my gender identity. Most days I feel solidly female, but sometimes I feel out of place in my sex, as though someone's going to call me out and say "You can put your hair up nicely, you can wear feminine clothes and makeup and all the jewelry you want, but you're not fooling anyone; you don't belong!"
Then there's my sort-of-ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me basically only because of the distance. I'm sure that if we were living in the same town and were able to see each other regularly, he would have been happier in the relationship. But we don't do the "break up" thing very well. We still say "I love you." We still go out of our way to talk to and see each other, and talk about buying each other presents. We still fuck and cuddle with the same passion and intimacy as we did before. We're together in all but title. And I feel horrible, but part of me hopes he doesn't get into a good grad school like he wants, and instead goes to my school so we can be together again. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him. I agree that it's a stupid idea. Still, I'm no longer actively trying to get in a relationship or really desiring one with anyone else until I know for sure where he'll be going. I almost dread that time, because in the likely event that he doesn't go to my school, we'll have to face the reality that our current blissful state will end. It will be like breaking up all over again.
And I'm not sure I will talk to my therapist about this. I don't think he's the appropriate person to discuss it with, though I have no idea who is, but I feel like in my academic career I will constantly have to choose one major over the other, and I'll more than likely regularly choose psychology. I feel like I'm betraying biology or showing that I'm not really serious about it, just another psych major who doesn't want all the hard work and technicalities of a hard science major, but I don't know what else to do, the psychology options just tend to interest me more. Here, very little extracurricular biology seems to be focused on humans outside of medical school, which I have no intention of attending. I try to find a good balance, but it feels like if I choose psychology, I'm choosing the easy route, but if I choose biology, I'm getting too far away from my actual interests and career goals. I wish I had some sort of mentor, but it's hard to even google someone who is researching the neurological functions behind gender and sexuality, much less find someone on campus I could talk to and connect with.
Then there's the fact that this whole blog post is just a distraction from the homework I really should be working on. I start out so determined to make A's in all of my classes, but the further I get into some of my classes, the more unlikely it seems. Even now that I have less hours at work, thus more time to study, I spend most of that time goofing off on the Internet, reading comics, or talking to people rather than do homework or study. I'm finally getting my health in gear (dropped 20 pounds so far), my mental and emotional health are better than they have been since puberty, and here I am still unable to get my ass in gear for school, when I'll most likely need at least a 3.5 on top of research experience to even be considered for good graduate schools.
But is my current plan what I even want to do? Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and edit and write stories forever. I don't know. It's hard to tell what part of me actually wants to do something and what part is just trying to figure out what's practical and what's considered more challenging and/or "respectable." I know it's one of the reasons I added my biology major; I got tired of people I couldn't respect academically at all getting into psychology; I didn't want to be lumped in with them, just as I don't want to be lumped in with a lot of people who are going for creative writing or similar degrees.
I wish I didn't have to work. I feel everything would just be so much easier if I didn't have that extra thing to worry about. I'm lucky enough, though. My dad bought me a new car, pays for the insurance, and now started paying my rent. It's not as good as some people get it, but better than my roommate, even though her parents are better off.
I don't know. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I still think I have a lot more to say, but this is quite long enough for now, and I should probably get back to homework and studying, and maybe taking a nap before class starts at nine.
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